


Aftermath

by MintySkulls



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Child Neglect, Emotional neglect, He also has no idea what he even wants at this point, Isa having no idea how to deal with his feelings at all, Isa probably has PTSD, M/M, Mental Illness, Multi, Suicidal Ideation, This is Not A Fun Ride, Vaginal Sex, a love triangle for like 2 minutes, alcoholic parents, and other abuse, body horror (corpses and the like), mentions of sexual abuse, theyre generally vague but, trans saix, unhealthy relationship, weird sex dreams, you definitely get what happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2018-11-20 02:28:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11326752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintySkulls/pseuds/MintySkulls
Summary: The former vessels have a lot to adjust to after that whole possession fiasco, especially Isa.NOTE:  this fic has multiple endings and decisions to make, so please pay attention to the chapters corresponding to the route you've decided to take. Each decision will link to the next corresponding chapter and be bolded.NOTE 2: This fic covers serious topics and includes scenes including depression, mental breakdowns, suicidal ideation, body horror and other gross things, mentions of parental neglect, alcoholism, violence, abuse, and sex. There is also discussion of Isa being trans which is also involved in the sex scenes, obviously. If you cannot handle any of these or they will cause you extreme and possibly suicidal distress/or makes you want to self-harm, do not read.I am not responsible for your mental well-being, you are. Read and interpret responsibly.Rated Mature until the sex scenes are posted unless they get scrapped fsr.





	1. Home...?

            Radiant Garden was recovering, mending its rubble-ridden streets and skeletons of houses just as the people tried to return to what normalcy they could. Of course, everyone knew nothing would be as it was, but they were trying to replicate as much as possible. There were also new problems they had to deal with, some of which being Heartless and who was ultimately taken with them, and others concerning accommodating the displaced foreigners who had no way of getting back home or simply didn’t want to.

            One of these people was Terra. He knew he could easily leave Radiant Garden, but he had no true home to return to. Besides, he would simply feel alone while everyone else was off and dealing with missions in other worlds and he decided to stay while he readjusted to being himself again. Plus, being surrounded by so many people he’s expected to be social with on a normal basis didn’t sound ideal while he tried to figure himself out again; he’d be fine laying low until he felt better or if they needed him.

            Just as home was largely restored, so were Isa, Terra, and all the others who had been possessed by Xehanort. They had full control of themselves without any interference, but there were pieces missing, gaps of consciousness and personality making themselves known. Braig had recovered almost entirely personality-wise (did he even change at all, actually?) and any signs of any issues he _may_ have were completely hidden, and Terra felt fairly well compared to how he could be after his time being possessed and what came shortly before, but Isa was something else.

            He was clearly shaken by the entire ordeal of being human again and was lethargic and unmotivated to even get out of bed (which they had to share since it was all they could get) the first week of life as a human again. Isa hated being touched let alone being close to someone, even though he was stuck in bed with barely enough willpower to lift his head; Terra and Lea both had to jump back a few times because they breached his personal space and he immediately started to snarl in protest while tensing like some cornered wary and unsocialized dog. Chances were, he still had his berserker powers, and they didn’t want to test to see if he did.

            If he wasn’t being a threat to everyone’s hands or sleeping for over twelve hours a day, he usually laid completely still, attention snapping to the slightest sounds or cues of body language. For the sake of not getting maimed by a panic-stricken Isa, Terra opted to sleep in the living room until they either got another bed or Isa got used to being near people post-meltdown.

            Despite his antisocial tendencies, there were days where he dragged himself from his spot on the bed to the edge and weep into Lea’s shoulder. His hard and stiff composure quaked and cracked as his primary human source of comfort came close.

            After that he was almost robotic, walking around town attending to whatever errands he had then would return to the small house. He was either completely dissociating or jolting at any stimuli around, even if it was only the curtains shifting in the breeze. Not at a stage of being insistent in doing something, he usually would immediately go to bed to or mull about the house with a vacant stare. At least when he was in the Organization he went about with a sense of purpose, now it was as if he didn’t know what to do without an overbearing influence consciously controlling him.

             “I feel like it’s up to me to help him get past this.” Terra stated as he looked into the bedroom where Isa was fast asleep under the heavy quilt.

            He turned his sad gaze to Lea. “If I wasn’t so stupid back then, none of this would’ve happened to you guys.”

            “Hey, it’s not like it’s all on you, dude. Xehanort would’ve found someone else if you didn’t succumb to him. If it happened some other way, maybe I woulda been possessed! But seriously, we wanna help y’all recover from the whole Nort thing too.” Lea sighed, unfolding his arms. “You two could really stand to mend any strains that’s happening, though. It’d be good for him to open his social circles a little.” _He still hasn’t actually said anything to me since he’s been back._

            “It’d be nice if we got along after all this.” Terra gazed at Isa’s back.

             “Agreed. Well, I know more about him than anyone else—I think—so if you have any questions about him just hit me up.”

            Rubbing his arm anxiously, Terra stared at the fresh wooden floor and murmured, “I just hope he’ll be able to function again. I think something in him just…broke.”

            “It’s a little too early to tell. Look, we’ll just see how it goes and figure it out if he doesn’t get better.”

            “I guess. Thanks. Oh,” Terra looked back up at Lea, “how’s Roxas holding up? He was doing kind of rough too the last time I was at Yen Sid’s tower.”

            Lea shifted his weight to one leg, hand resting on his hip as he replied, “He’s doing pretty well. Still having existential crises out the ass because he didn’t take basically being a physical clone of Ven too well, though. Other than that, he’s resuming life as normal-ish. He’s gotta get used to being able to just live his life without rampant death and displacement just popping its head in to ruin everyone’s day. Xion understands it a lot better than me, so they’re really leaning on each other right now.”

            “Normal-ish is about as close to actually normal Keyblade wielders can get.” Terra mused.

            But could he even reach _that_?

                                                                                            ◊          ◊          ◊

            “Are you feeling better?” Terra asked, peering through the doorway.

            Isa _looked_ less tired but still had an air of lethargy around him. It was almost as if gravity found him particularly interesting and it pushed his lucidity out of him.

“I could certainly be doing better.” He dazedly mumbled, staring directly at him as if he expected Terra to lunge at him that second.

He was in a similar state to how Ven was when he first arrived at the Land of Departure and Roxas in his first week of existence and lack thereof as a Nobody, except he had his memories and a semi-solid grasp of his identity; that identity being whatever Isa _wasn’t_. He felt more a connection with a _toaster_ than the name Isa at the moment.

Isa. Isa, Isa, Isa…

            It rippled through him, rattling his bones and making his scars ache. He hated hearing that name, but at the same time yearned for it. He wanted to reclaim it as his own, and yet,

            “Saïx, if nothing else.” He flatly corrected.

            Terra sighed.

            He failed to understand how people thought he was Isa again. Isa was dead—he rode out on that last breath momentarily hitched in his throat as his new identity was carved into his face. Now, there was just what Xehanort left behind. In a fit of irony, he felt like some abandoned puppet with slacked strings and no energy to function. Still, he didn’t know what else to be called besides Isa or Saïx, and the latter had a certain heaviness the other didn’t.

            He got used to things such as shoulder and arm touches, so long as the person was in his vision. He still said nothing to Lea but he didn’t shy away or shrug off his various forms of friendly affection.

            He was more open with Terra, however.

            Terra laid beside him on the bed, fingers lazily gliding through Isa’s hair as the streets below died down and the sun set. He had no qualms about doing that, surprisingly, so it seems a yearning for contact cracked his paranoid and exhausted exterior. Isa was still wary, yes, but it was an improvement.

            Terra hummed some song he forgot the name of long ago and watched the colored blobs of light from the stained-glass window above the bed’s headboard slide across the ceiling. Isa slept next to him, stiffly resting his head on Terra’s chest. It was odd having a bed big enough to comfortably fit both of them; the ones back at the Castle That Never Was were suited for one person, and any time one of them spent the night in the other’s room it’d get cramped despite how long they were. Still, there was still solace to be found after arduous days then, when they dozed off with Saïx’s head rested in the crook of Xemnas’ neck as his hair was absentmindedly played with between gloved fingers. It was usually after a round or two of sex as a de-stressor, but there were those days where Xemnas was weirdly affectionate and it happened without all that. Apparently, those days were when Terra came to the surface. Isa seemed fond of those memories; they were some of the better ones to come out of the Organization. Perhaps this was some bizarre peace offering on his part, or just the only manner he recalled having comfortable physical contact. There was comfort in familiarity when it came to him, apparently.

            Whatever they had back then certainly wasn’t love, at least by Terra’s standards, but it was _something_ , and that attachment carried over when they became humans again…sort of. The dynamics were definitely different. Terra wasn’t domineering or highly sinister at all, but Isa remained as expressionless and monotone as he had been in his time in the Organization. The only noticeable shift was Isa’s tendency to freeze if he saw Terra in any light darker than the afternoon’s and stiffening should he be required to retort. From what Terra understood from faint memories, sensations, and words that circled around his mind for some reason, whatever Saïx and Xemnas had was seven layers of fucked up by his standards. Still, Isa retained some interest in Terra despite his current inability to grasp what type of interest it truly was, even if he was hot and cold around him.

            “He was his own parents.” Lea had said. “He raised himself, and I’m pretty sure I was the only one he was actually close to.”

            He then uttered something along the lines of “It’s hard to be close to your parents when they’re on the verge of dying from alcohol poison daily.”

            Perhaps Isa did perceive his and Xemnas’ relationship as normal to a degree. Was that why he succumbed to the advances so willingly? Was positive attention like that enough for him? Still, he reacted oddly when Xemnas was either brought up or he thought he saw him. He even had his moments where he acted like he missed Xemnas, and from what Terra knew about Isa’s mindset, he could understand why.

            But Terra was still surprised Isa didn’t outwardly _hate_ him. His first reaction to seeing him after being freed for Xehanort’s grasp certainly made him think he did. That dizzy gaze that snapped into a rage and seemingly terror-fueled stare and the initial gasp that broke into a panic attack as Isa woke up spoke volumes.

            Lea pulled Isa up from the floor, yelling something excitedly Terra had been too out of it to understand. Whatever else happened was a haze to him, so he missed Isa’s expression leaving him once he realized who he _wasn’t_ looking at.

            Terra wanted to know what he had done, but he already understood _why_.

            It didn’t stop him from fearing for his life as soon as Isa started toward him, face devoid of emotion but body and eyes tense and hard as cold steel. Lea had swept between them, pushing them both back. He locked eyes with Terra, and all Terra saw was that child—no, he must have been in his early 20s--in a skinny, lifeless heap on the cold lab floor with his burn-scarred arms loosely curled about his head.

            Oh, yes. How were the other apprentices complicit in this? They were by no means possessed, was experimentation at the cost of numerous human lives simply fine with them? Perhaps the subjects mattered so little outside of precious data that they shrugged it and any guilt off like some filthy and uncomfortable shawl.

            He sighed.

            Sleepy, he attempted to nudge Isa’s head off his chest so he could get under the covers without waking him, but it didn’t work. He got a quiet groan in response as Isa sat up and glanced around.

            “Sorry.” Terra mumbled as he peeled back the covers and snuggled under them.

            Either out of instilled loyalty or being out of it, Isa continued watching over Terra with an air of seriousness about him.

            “Get some sleep.” Terra murmured, prompting an automatic response of Isa climbing under the covers but now kept his distance.

            Whatever illusion of comfort was there was now dashed.

            Anything that could be interpreted as a command were the only thing that Isa actively responded to; suggestions and questions for his opinions were usually met with hesitation or blank stares. He still ticked as Saïx did, just sluggishly and occasionally with no sense of internal control. Terra hoped that’d go away after a while.


	2. Adaption

            “Morning.” Terra hummed over the mug of hot chamomile he had.

            He heard of a ghost of a “good morning” pass Isa’s lips as he sat down at the small circular oak table that constituted the dining room table. His eyes traced along the deep grooves and cracks in the old wood in front of him, seemingly deep in thought.  
            “Do you want to do anything today?” Terra asked.

            “Do you?” Isa asked back.

            “I’m asking _you_.”

            Isa looked over at the small pantry then to Terra. “…We _do_ need more coffee, and something more substantial than oatmeal and fruit. Cooking utensils would also be ideal.”

            Terra nodded.

            “Maybe pick up some more frivolous stuff, too.” He suggested.

            Isa got up for some coffee, flatly stating, “ _You_ can if you insist. I have no desire to spend my funds on things not necessary for existence.”

            Terra relented; Isa wasn’t exactly about _fun_ , was he? They set off after getting dressed.

 

            “Perhaps we should get more clothes,” Isa suggested, “we only have a few outfits.”

            Terra looked down at the tight dark gray shirt he wore before the whole Xemnas thing, which was kind of uncomfortably tight at this point. Over the years, he had bulked up a bit more and got a tad taller, so it was dangerous waters to try to keep this shirt in commission. Still, it was the only one that he didn’t just wear around the house ( _when_ he wore a shirt around the house), so he could use something else.

            “Good idea.”

            The brisk morning breeze was quite the contrast from the toasty house. They leisurely walked along, mixing in with the small crowd going about their lives.

“What do you like to wear outside of the coats?” Terra asked as he looked over the dark gray t-shirt Isa was wearing with the black pants he’d worn under his coat.

“I have no real preference aside from my outfits involving pants.” Isa replied as his head swiveled to even the quietest creaks and murmurs while scanning the area around them.

            “That simplifies that. Any favorite foods?”

            “I’m open to most. I do particularly enjoy meat and other high-protein meals, though.”

            Terra smiled, pushing open a shop door and eliciting a small ding from the bell over it.

            “Oh! Nice and healthy, I like you.”

            “I forego empty calories.” Isa explained. “They make my head hurt more than it already does.”

            “Migraines?”

            “More than occasionally.” Isa stepped away and toward some kitchen knives.

            They perused the culinary tools, inspecting silverware, pots, pans, and trivets stacked on the weathered shelves. Little words went between them once Terra stopped engaging him.

            “After we do this, I have somewhere else to be.” Isa said as he inspected a pan.

            “Alright. Are you sure you want to go out alone, though? You seem kind of overwhelmed, still.”

            “I’ll be meeting up with Lea after I pick up some ingredients and other personal necessities, I should be fine.”

            Terra nodded, a little disappointed. He wished he could accompany Isa more, seeing him out and about and socializing even if it was with just him was an improvement. Still, he was going to talk with Lea, so he could mend _some_ wounds—his paranoia and hot and cold personality toward people he trusted were probably not included.

                                                            ◊          ◊          ◊

The greenery in Radiant Garden was starting to conquer wherever there wasn’t cobblestone, grass and shrubs springing up with the mild change of the seasons.

            “Kinda weird seeing everything come back.” Lea said, looking over at Isa as they walked through the garden by the castle.

            “Truly.”

            “Well, aside from rubble everywhere and how half the houses are completely gone. It’s progress, though!”

            Lea continued to ramble on about this and that; spots he remembered going to when they were kids, their old makeout spot, how that one café reopened, etc. Isa wordlessly walked beside him, either lost in his own world or only half-listening.

            “So, what’s even happening with you and that Terra guy?”

            “Why do you ask?”

            “Well, you and Xemnas were a thing…I think. The rumors had some truth in ‘em, didn’t they?”

            “In a way,” Isa softly replied, “it was more of convenience than anything.”

            “But you got caught up in it. Maybe it was the whole Nort thing, but you kind of started looking at him like you used to look at, well, me.”

            Isa frowned.

            “Stable companionship and release. There was nothing else.” He stubbornly grunted, arms loosely folding.

            “Pssh, sure.” Lea snorted. “There’s one thing I don’t get, though. After everything Xemnas and the rest of the possession posse did, why don’t you hate him at least a little? There’s gotta be feelings that carried over, right? Even the best people couldn’t hold back residual feelings when something so big happened. I mean, I still have split seconds of mistrust toward the guy and Braig. It’s not something you can just toss to the side like it’s nothing.”

            “Lea, I feel emptier now than I did as a Nobody.”

            Lea slowed, short eyebrows furrowing slightly. “For now. You just need time to get used to everything again.”

            Isa sighed, never looking more exhausted in his life. “But what if my existence will feel this void and joyless forever? What purpose is there? I have a _heart_ , so why is there still so much wrong with me?”

            “I don’t think it’s all something to do with your heart.” Lea said, stepping closer to him and resting a hand on his shoulder.

            “Then tell me what it _is._ ”

            “I told Terra the same thing, but you just need _time_ , Isa. If it’s still happening after a while, we’ll figure it out then.”

            “I hope that’s the case.” Isa sighed. “Everything feels wrong, even my name.”

            “What do you mean?”

            They walked back into the streets, Isa contemplating the best way to explain how he felt. Finally, he slowed as he ran a hand along a bent and dented railing and looked Lea’s way.

            “It doesn’t fit.” He said, figuring out a better way to get it across.

            Lea smiled reassuringly as he also slowed down and watched Isa stare off at the various ruins in the distance. That was easier to solve.

            “A name isn’t what defines you. You weren’t always Isa, but then you were him. You can just as easily change your name again.”

            “A name is just what everyone knows you as, and it’s far too late at this point. Do you really think there wasn’t some influence in us receiving new names? Axel is not Lea and Saïx is not Isa.”

            Isa’s grip on the railing tightened as he faced Lea, jaw clenching. “Everyone knows me as Isa, but I’m not him—I haven’t been him for years. Isa is a lost cause to believe in. He is not dead and abandoned in the way of my first name, but Isa himself is dead.”

            Lea frowned, confusion brimming in his eyes. “I mean…then do you know who you are now?”

            Isa turned his back to him, flatly replying, “What’s left. And what’s left isn’t much.”

            “You don’t have to be the Isa you were, y’know, you can be a different Isa--a new Isa.”

            “Not to you. You’re not very convincing in proving otherwise.” Isa grunted. “You miss something else. You miss _him_.”

            “I do, but that’s not--”

             Isa took slow, wandering steps away as he sighed, “You talk to him, you know. You talk to him through me, but there’s nobody else to hear you in here. I’m not Isa, I don’t want to be Isa, but all you can ever accept calling me when it gets personal is _Isa_.”

            “I never said you were still him or supposed to magically be like him, dude, but you _were_ Isa before this whole mess. He was here first, and there’s gotta be _some_ part of him in you left.”  

            “And with what little left there may be, stop expecting me to be him, Lea.”

            Stepping forward, Lea retorted, “But that’s not--”

            “There’s no surprise in how much you cling to what’s dead or dying. It’s not difficult to see considering how you handled your other losses—good thing those mostly came back. Me, I’ve only picked up a few scraps.”

            Lea was quiet.

            “I wish to be seen by you and all others as me, whatever that is.” Isa said, voice quivering ever so slightly. “In fact, there’s more Saïx left than that child who was choked from me; that child who was born to two atrocious narcissists and the child failed to develop emotional intelligence for himself named Isa.”

            He inhaled sharply, and hissed, “There’s still so much Lea left in you, you’re lucky.”

            Lea watched him tiredly stalk down the cobblestone street with the setting sun to his back, silent.


	3. Choke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can't stand gross things or discussion and idealization of an unhealthy relationship from the standpoint of a character (and not the writer!), then it's time to get off this train.

            They encircled him, impossibly tall dark forms and faces obscured by their hoods warping slightly. Isa couldn’t see their eyes too clearly, but damn, could he feel them drilling into him. All taking a step toward him, they each lifted an arm, gloved hands stretching stiffly.

            He felt so small and weak; so breakable and with death itself reaching for him with its terrible writhing ring of arms. The contorting masses of skin, yellow eyes, and maws stretched open in some horrid silent wail as they twitched spastically.

            “Isa…” one of them whispered.

            The fingers brushed against his back and arms. All air was sucked from his lungs. His knees gave out, leaving him quivering like some helpless and terrified kitten.

            “ _Isa_ …” A little louder this time.

            Calm but deliberate footsteps resonated in the distance. That was somehow the scariest thing there.

            One head leaned over him, face still a warping swirling mass of flesh and teeth beneath their hood. “You’re so strong, surviving this long.”

            “And yet so vulnerable. So suitable.” Another snickered.

            “…We should break him in some more, just to be sure.” Another chuckled.

            Rage boiled in his gut, making him nauseous and only caused him to quake more.

            “Isaaa...” A familiar deep voice purred.

            He hissed under his breath, every ounce of him screaming to either run or launch himself at the approaching man yet he sat frozen, knelt in the circle of people.

            “Isa…or as you’ll be known…” the voice was coming from all around him, “…Saïx.”

            “No.” Isa growled, shakily sitting up to lock eyes with the man.

            “Saïx.” He rumbled, lifting the red saber and illuminating his face in the process.

            “No!”

            Seemingly with a flick of his wrist, Isa was thrown to the ground and leaving him winded. He rubbed his stinging forehead and bridge of his nose, tears pricking at his eyes as he dizzily lifted his head back up. His hand was hot and slicked in blood, as was the cold cell’s floor under his head. Fuck. He hadn’t felt such primal fear in years.

            A hand reached down and gripped his face and tugged it upward. Isa locked eyes with Xemnas, whimpering.

            “SAÏX.” The others droned along with him.

            The Keyblade at his sweating, twitching back began to push into him, cutting through his clothes and skin, burning like acid the entire time. A smile spread on Xemnas’ face as Xehanort effortlessly thrust it through him.

            “ _SAÏX_!”

            His eyes shot open and he headbutted the face hovering over his then rolled on top of them, a feral scream ripping from his throat.

            Blood pounding in his ears and teeth clenched so tight they ached, he slammed the other man into the bed by the throat. Arms shot up and tried to pry his adrenaline-fueled grasp from their owner’s neck, but to no avail.

            Isa wanted to make _him_ scream and quiver just as he did, and he had every intention of doing so now.

            His rage melted into fear and shame as he saw the brown hair and blue eyes below him, not silver and orange or any other intruder.

            Isa’s hands left Terra’s throat, trembling. The marks of where he was gripping seconds ago were decorated by dark crescents from where his nails dug in. Well, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

            Terra rolled onto his side, coughing hoarsely. “Isa, what are you--?”

            Isa slowly sat up on his haunches. His empty eyes stared down Terra as he tried to wrap what conscious part of his mind was left around the current situation. His movements were mechanical as he climbed off Terra and left the bedroom as if nothing to note had happened. He wanted to leave, to escape the repercussions of his impulsive actions.

            “Wait, wait!” Terra clambered out of bed and stumbled after him.

            Isa sat on the small mossy green loveseat, hands clasped on his knee and legs crossed. The pale morning light illuminated him from behind and made him almost phantom-like.

            “We shouldn’t be around each other.” Isa stated, turquoise eyes vacant and dark. “I’m going to end up killing you. This was a mistake.”

            “Isa, you were having a nightmare. It makes sense how you reacted to me trying to wake you up.” Terra took a few cautious steps closer to him. “You don’t need to blow it out of proportion.”

            “I could have _killed_ you. What makes you think this won’t happen again?” Isa asked, stone-faced and matter-of-fact.

            Terra stood a good two feet away from him, still uneasy about the eerie soulless stare and complete lack of human body language. “You just have to get used to living a normal life again, then the jumpiness will probably go away at least a little!”

            “You really don’t get it. You don’t understand at all.”

            “I _want_ to.” Terra retorted, leaning forward.

            “So do I, it’s nothing I can explain.” Isa stated rather nonchalantly despite the circumstances.

            Silence brewed between them. Isa, always shutting people out and never letting anyone else in. That’s what he’d been doing for years. Were his feelings too profound for others? Was he truly that incapable of grasping them himself? Did he think he was the only one with himself to figure out? It didn’t even seem like this was purely out of Isa being cold as a defense mechanism anymore. Still, that haughty aloofness…

            Increasingly frustrated, Terra growled, “Maybe if you could sort that out soon, we wouldn’t have to worry about you freaking out and trying to murder me again. Maybe you’re right, maybe it was a mistake for anyone to think whatever’s happening here can be fixed. Maybe--maybe I’m just such a fuckup and you’re so damaged neither of us are going to be able to function, especially around each other! I’m scared of the moon and you’re scared of me, for fuck’s sake! I’m going to keep making stupid mistakes and you’re going to do something stupid in response! Shit, why did we think it was a good idea to even look each other’s way?”

            Isa disinterestedly craned his neck and twisted around to peer out the window to his back. “So be it.”

            “Why are you so calm now? Just a second ago you were trying to rip out my throat!”

            “Survival is impeded by emotions, and yet…you are by no means meant to be feared. A foolish reaction on my part to sever my mind from my feelings for something of this weak caliber.”

            Terra snarled. Isa was silent. The fact that he was talking back so venomously gave Terra the feeling he was seen as subordinate. He had a feeling he was talking to _Saïx_.

            “Well, we wouldn’t be having these kinds of problems if you were straightforward with how you felt and what you’re struggling with or at least _tried_! I’m here to help _Isa_ who wants to readjust to human life and make amends, not whatever he turns into when he can’t even face his own demons but points out others’!” He hissed. “If that’s what you’re going to turn into, then I’m done.”

            Isa rested his chin in his hand, elbow on the armrest. “As if you’re one to brag about slaying your inner darkness.”

            “You make it sound like you actually resisted Xehanort more than I ever could.”

            He locked eyes with Terra, eyes even more vacant than before.

            “Am I testing you?” He asked slowly and Terra daresay almost mockingly.

            Agitated but also feeling fatigue and the pain in his neck settle back in, Terra groaned, “No, you’re just playing around with my feelings because you can’t even face yours. That’s all you do and all you ever did.”

            “Yet you’re running from your own and this conflict.”

            Terra’s fists balled up at his side as he turned and trudged back to the bedroom. “So are you. You think emotionlessness is superior to actually having some! Do you even have a heart _now_? You’re more of Xemnas than I ever was.”

            He could hear Isa stand up instantaneously, but made no other movements as he watched Terra go.

                                                

            Terra groggily lifted his head from the mess of sheets and the quilt, slowly looking around the room as he processed what even happened. Upon wondering where Isa was, it all flooded back from before he flopped down in a fit of rage and annoyance and passed out. Oh, right. He really had a foul temper when he was half asleep and previously strangled.

            He pushed himself up and rolled onto his feet from the disheveled bed. Where was Isa, anyway? Did he leave or go to bed on the couch? He shuffled into the living room and saw him spread out on said couch, back to the rest of the house.

 _Should I wake him up or…no, I won’t bother dealing with him. There’s nothing we really need to do right now._ Terra sighed and walked into the kitchen for some breakfast.

            Grabbing an apple and plopping down at the small table, he leaned back and picked at some of the peeling white paint on it. They’d have to paint it sometime soon before it got too hot when summer rolled around. It was going to be a humid one. He could see a sliver of Isa snoozing on the couch from where he sat, so that was what he zoned out looking at.

 _I wonder if he’s going to be mad at me. I did say some pretty shitty stuff last night, but so did he._ He bit into the apple and regretted it upon his neck screaming at him. _Oh well, we’ll figure it out when he’s up. Well, if he wants to talk…otherwise I’ll be explaining to a brick wall again. Maybe it’ll help that I’m more levelheaded than I was last night._

            Terra huffed as turned his attention to the window and the pale light shining through it. One of the few things he ever showed in his fraction of control as Xemnas was his share of vindictiveness to all things living and free. He was corrupted over time, left to wallow in his own thoughts and his Nobody’s gospel. He thought that was gone from him the moment he was freed, but was that part of him still there and rearing its ugly head? Maybe Isa was forcing it out of him somehow? He had no idea, but he hoped he wasn’t _that_ horrible.

            Groaning, he pinched the bridge of his nose and rested his elbow on the table. He would eat more, but along with his neck something in his gut wasn’t agreeing with him and making him stomach churn. Guilt, maybe? Why couldn’t he have just called Isa a frigid dick or something?

                                                                                                ◊          ◊          ◊

            Familiar clothes, familiar filtered air. Isa stood beneath two collided chairs forming an arch of cracked marble—or whatever the Castle that Never Was was made from. He slowly stepped out from under them and toward one the chairs that had been cut down to being at normal chair-height amongst rubble at the other side of the room. Something dark sat wilted in its seat.

            Even breathing felt too disruptive in the stagnant, almost mournful silence. He found himself holding his breath.

            Isa cautiously stepped over the massive cracks and cleaved parts of the floor to whatever was in front of him. As he got closer, he saw a glint of something silver at the top of it. Then he noticed the withered arms calmly set on the armrest, the white mass in its lap, the familiar pull-strings dangling and stained with rot.

            Reclined as much as he could be, Xemnas—what remained of him—lounged with greasy bangs obscuring his shriveled face until Isa got closer. His lips were retracted into a grin, teeth and pale gums far too visible. Isa looked down and wretched. Maggots writhed in Xemnas’ exposed and eaten gut and squirmed along the fluid-soaked and putrefied tatters of coat remaining.

            Isa backed up with his breath caught in his throat. What was he supposed to feel now that he _could_ feel? Sorrow, sickness, or... relief? He took a few more seconds to stare holes into Xemnas’ corpse then turned to examine what was left of the Round Room.

            There was no one else. He felt eyes on him.

            Isa peered behind the remaining chair, but all that was left was rubble and the empty void below. Isa had a feeling this was a dream, but it also felt too real, too lucid. If he wasn’t really dreaming, then…

            “A creature born of nothing, a vessel of a vessel who is created only to be a soldier, without a body or heart to truly call his own and should have returned to nothing.”

            A slew of cracks and snaps and then a splatter on the ground.

            “And yet,”

            Staggering footsteps closer and closer and closer.

             “I persist.”

            Isa stood still, his calm demeanor betraying him as he shuddered and refused to stare into the eyeless sockets behind him. Instead, he watched the squirming mass of maggots on the floor approaching him. For such vermin that did not typically consume let alone ravage living flesh, they were threatening in some way.

            His mouth was painfully dry, but at the same time he could feel himself about to vomit.

            His muscles froze, but they screamed at him to run.

            He could only listen to the gasps of something inhuman approach until he felt rancid, stale breath on his neck.

            “Lucky you.” Xemnas slowly croaked into his ear.

 

            Isa gasped like he was sucking his soul back in and practically flung himself off the couch and onto the floor with a hard thud. He rolled onto his side and curled up as he dry-heaved. What a way to start the morning.

            He groaned and stood on shaky legs. Was he tensing up the entire time? His legs and shoulders were pretty sore. It’d been a while since he had such a reaction to a dream, and he was sure sleeping on the couch didn’t help.

             He must have been sweating a lot, because his skin and hair felt _gross_. He glanced at the clock and noted it was about one in the afternoon. He didn’t think he was _that_ tired, but whatever. He slowly shuffled to the bathroom and took a shower that largely involved him sitting on the floor and letting the hot water loosen some tense and sore muscles. An overwhelming sense of nauseous dread trickled over him as he combed his hair, staring at his exhausted reflection.

            He didn’t know what he just experienced. Was that just a very real dream, or did he and Xemnas somehow communicate? He wasn’t sure, and he also didn’t know which one he preferred.

 _I’ll have to see if this happens again,_ he thought, _then I can make my conclusion about how real that truly was._

            Well, he had something else unpleasant to do. He went into his side of the medicine cabinet and pulled out a syringe and a small bottle.

_17 years I’ve been doing this, yet I still hate it. Damn necessities._

 

            Isa shuffled into the kitchen and stiffened upon seeing Terra reading a book at the table with a half-empty cup of tea.

            “Afternoon.” Terra said, trying to put some semblance of friendliness in it.

            He got no response. Instead, Isa wordlessly headed to the pantry and prepared some oatmeal.

            “Do you want to talk about, uh, last night?” Terra asked as he pretended to continue reading.

            “Have I a choice?”

            “It’d help stop this entire situation from being awkward as hell.” Terra looked up at him, eyebrows furrowing. “Are you okay? You look a little clammy.”

            “The couch wasn’t the ideal place to sleep.”

            “Oh, migraine?”

            Isa turned the stove on to boil some water, bluntly replying, “Something like that.”

            “Look, I don’t know where to begin with the whole thing that happened last night, but I know it got pettier than intended.”

            “I agree.”

            “And I got pretty pissed and said some shitty things.”

            “You did.” Isa’s tone grew colder.

            “And, so did you.”

            “I did.” He affirmed.

            “And _I’m_ personally sorry. I don’t know about you.”

            “I suppose it’s expected I be.”

            “But _are_ you?” Terra scooted away from the table and stared up at him.

            “I was speaking the truth, but perhaps it was far too harsh after I attacked you. I will apologize for that.”

            Terra sighed. That was probably the best he was going to get. _What made you so spiteful about apologizing?_ He wondered. Actually, it was probably from growing up with shit parents who probably made him apologize for things that weren’t his fault. Couldn’t exactly blame him for that.

            “That’s a start, at least.”

            He had to resign to that; there was no way Isa would just drop this.

                                                                                                ◊          ◊          ◊

            There was a solid two days of complete silence. They both went about their lives, and the only time either of them spoke was talking in their sleep or when someone was over to visit one of them.

                                                                                                ◊          ◊          ◊

            It was a pretty muggy morning, despite it only being about six in the morning. That was to be expected as the spring went on.

            “What are you doing up two hours earlier than usual?” Isa yawned, padding along the cold kitchen tile to Terra.

            “Experimenting.”

            “With what?”

            Terra turned around, an arm curled around a mixing bowl with some kind of batter and powder on his face. Isa stared at him, perplexed.

            “I figured pancakes would be easy with mix, but I’m definitely not getting it.” He let the whisk sink a little further into the bowl, sighing. “I’m used to doing this kind of stuff from scratch—when I _did_ cook, anyway. I usually just helped out.”

            “Ah. Do you need help?” Isa asked while nudging a tin of baking powder further from the edge of the counter.

            Terra pulled some of his hair out of the batter, grimacing. “It’d be nice.”

            Isa peered closer into the bowl and flatly suggested, “We should probably restart.”

            “How long has it been since we’ve had food that was actually good?” Isa asked while he read the instructions on the mix box. “One cup of milk.”

            “Years. Even potions started tasting good after a while.”

            “How do you remember that?”

            “Xemnas thought about it a lot. Plus, I sensed almost everything he did at least a little, so I remember bland food day after day.”

            _Why couldn’t he have done something about it, then?_ “A shame you didn’t get to be spared from the diet, then. Uh, get a little more mix in that cup. Regardless, it will certainly be strange eating whatever we want, and eating food with flavor, no less.”

            Terra nodded. “Do we need any extra vanilla in it?”

            “If you want it. I have no preference.”

            “Eh, not really. I’m not much of a fan of sweet things. I do like nuts though, so stuff like candied nuts is an exception.”

            “I’m not much a fan of them, either.”

            “Well, that’ll stop some disagreements over meals from happening, then.” Terra said as he stepped over to the stove to set the griddle on it and turn it on.

            “The butter spray.” Isa reminded him as he raised it to Terra’s eye level.

            “Oh, right.”

            Terra sprayed, then waited for the griddle to get a bit hotter.

            “So, what’s your favorite meals? Good to know once we get out of the constant cycle of instant food and fruit.”

            “I’m not particular.”

            “You said you like meat? So, steak? Chicken?”

            “Always an option.”

            “Then that’ll have to happen sometime.”

            He poured some batter. They were silent. That was pretty normal with them at this point.

            “Is there something I can do?” Isa asked, not satisfied with staring down the bubbling batter and suggesting they get flipped soon.

            “Do you want to get the coffee started?”

            Isa nodded and headed over to the fridge. He pulled out the milk and grabbed two mugs while listening to Terra mutter to himself as he failed to flip a pancake without it folding and trying to salvage it.

            He looked over at him to see him attempting to pry one from the griddle that had sat too long.

            He sighed, “Terra, you shouldn’t have to strongarm _pancakes_.”

            “I’m rusty, right now! At least it’s the test pancake.”

            “At least. How much sugar and milk do you want?” He slid the kettle onto the adjacent burner. “A decent amount of milk and a little sugar?”

            “Only a little milk.” Terra looked over at him, asking. “Did Xemnas like it like that or something?”

            “Generally.” Isa murmured. “I figured his tastes were largely based off yours.”

            Terra let out a small thoughtful “hm” and resumed.

            “Do you think these’ll be good?” He asked as he slid some pancakes onto the plate next to the stove.

            Isa grabbed the syrup and set it on the table along with some napkins and plates, sighing, “You can only err with pre-made mix so much.”

           

            “These actually aren’t bad.” Terra said, somewhat excitedly with raised eyebrows. “Still aren’t as good as from scratch, but…”

            Isa neatly cut himself another piece from his stack, the corners of his mouth curling upward. “I’m impressed nonetheless.”

 

                                                                                               ◊          ◊          ◊

“Can I ask you something a little, uh, sensitive?”

            Terra sat forward and wondering if he was about to lose his head. Still, he got a nod albeit a stiff one.

            “What was Xemnas like, anyway?”

            Isa stiffened, taken aback by the sudden prying. They both sat on the couch in silence as the books in their hands slowly lowered onto their laps.

“Oh, well, he was far from the best, but he could have been worse.”

            “I think Xehanort in general was kind of a dick, though.”

            “Yes, but he wasn’t as coercive and invasive as Ansem apparently was. I still wouldn’t consider him _sympathetic_ or anything similar.”

            “So he never hit you or anything like that?”

            “ _No_ ,” Isa folded his arms, almost offended, “not unless I went berserk or we were sparring for some odd reason. At most, I can admit there was an imbalance of power dynamics and a mutual unhealthy expectation of absolute loyalty and subservience from me not only as a right-hand man but as a vessel. Neither of us got too terribly serious about treating each other respectfully when all we were personally using each other for was gratification and companionship.”

            “He cut your face open, though, isn’t that a little fucked up to you?”

            Isa chuckled dryly, “I got out of the ordeal better than others. The kindness and attention following years later were far more tolerable.”

            Terra narrowed his eyes, frowning. “Kindness? What part of your relationship—if I can even call it that--was _kind_?”

            Isa folded his arms, voice softening very slightly. “As I’ve said, he never hit me unjustly, he never belittled me when I was in line, I wasn’t forced to grovel for his attention, and he took what I said into consideration when input was due. Aren’t those the fundamentals to a relationship?”

            “I-I mean… basically, but romantic relationships are a little more than not being at each other’s throats. You were also possessed, you were at odds with Axel, and Xemnas scarred you with the recusant so he and the other possessed people’d know where you are. It was stacked against you! Why do you even think that only the bare minimum is _normal_ even if it was a purely sexual relationship?”

            “Bare minimum, hm.” Isa stiffly leaned back, legs crossed. “It’s monumentally more than what I was ever given than by anyone else other than Lea.”

            “What? I mean I know your parents had problems, but didn’t they…?”

            Silence. Cold, uneasy silence.

            Voice hard, Isa replied, “I was born to them, but they were not my mother or father. The only way I wasn’t an orphan was by them owning an apartment I was allowed to live in and they were legally my guardians.”

            “But who took care of you when you were really little?”

            More silence. Isa had a way of making such situations uneasy and scornful.

            “Once I was about six and the marital strife and booze cabinet took over, I raised myself.”

            “Any positive attention was enough? Or at least for people you could tolerate.” Terra uttered. _Like Lea said…_

            He stared at his wringing hands, processing Isa’s perspective on the topic.

            “I’m sorry.”

            Isa shook his head slowly. “There’s no need for you to apologize for the misgivings of the home I was in.”

            “Someone needs to, don’t they?”

            “An apology in place of or directly from the strangers who birthed me means nothing.”

            Terra sighed, placing a hand on Isa’s shoulder, firmly stating, “You deserve way better than what you got.”

            In response, Isa simply turned his head to him then resumed studying the floor.  
            “I suppose I appreciate the sentiment.”


	4. Revenant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isa discusses being trans in this chapter. If it causes you dysphoria, you are free to skip that section as it contains little plot point other than to establish he is trans in this fic.

            Terra was swamped in absolute darkness. He was weighed down as well, like some sticky weight clung to him and dragged him to the floor. The air was muggy and hot, and both that and the constraints made it hard for him to breath.

            Struggling against his invisible confines, Terra squeezed his eyes shut. He opened them, only to see his own face staring back at him.

            He gritted his teeth as it felt like every organ inside him was being eviscerated, eyes wide and locked on his other’s own. He now couldn’t breathe at all and his ears rang to the point of being painful.

            He didn’t know how long it had been like this; time itself seemed to be slowing, reversing, then skipping.

            The other him smiled, silver hair drifting from side to side as if underwater.

            Slow, low and sultry amidst the incessant ringing.

            “There will always be some part of me in you.”

            He shot up. He was in bed and covered in a cold sweat.

            Isa was fast asleep, his back to him. He murmured something unintelligible and curled up a little. Terra uttered a small “sorry” and slid back under the covers.

            He stared up at the ceiling, too shaken to immediately fall back asleep and wishing he’d stop having those dreams. They mostly consisted of being trapped in absolute nothingness or walking down the basement of the Radiant Garden castle, seeing the eyes glinting from between the bars of the doors he passed. Oftentimes he couldn’t tell if those were the eyes of people or the Heartless feasting on them; sometimes he wondered if his brain melded them together.

            He knew the source of these kinds of dreams. He was terrified of being trapped again, but he also had to wonder if Isa was afraid of so much freedom he had given how he reacted to having virtually no clear direction anymore. Maybe they could even each other out.

            His heart stopped boxing with his ribcage and he settled back into a sleepy stupor.

            Until he caught a figure in his peripheral vision. He saw only a glimpse, but it looked to be a person standing at Isa’s side of the bed. He shot back up, but there was nothing there. Maybe it was his sleepy brain, or his imagination was going wild. He figured he’d know if someone else was in the house, and Isa would be wide awake the second a sound seemed out of place; he had the tendency to randomly jerk awake at something so minor as a cat jumped onto the roof or the walls creaked against stormy winds.

            Terra groaned and laid back down, tugging the blankets up to his chin and wishing he could just fall back asleep already.

                                                                                              ◊          ◊          ◊

            A sunbeam shone on Terra’s pillow, which he ended up being blinded by when he lifted his head back onto it. They could stand to get some blackout curtains for that window or something. Groaning, he covered his face with his arm.

            Isa groggily shifted next to him, nuzzling into the disheveled mane of hair Terra had happening at the moment. Terra wondered if he was always this cuddly when his guard was down but he never noticed because Isa always got up before him. It wasn’t like Terra was complaining, though. It was nice to see him calm and comfortable enough to offer physical interaction whether he knew he was or not.

            Terra could get used to it.

            A sleepy groan from Isa pulled him back into reality. He twisted around and looked at him. He reached over and petted his head while he attempted to fully roll onto his back. Much to his dismay, this woke Isa up.

            Isa uttered a soft “dammit” upon seeing how late it was and pulled his arms from around Terra. Such nonchalance as he did so, like he wasn’t just spooning Terra out of the blue. He slid out of bed and left the room, his yawn growing quieter as he got closer to the bathroom.

            _I wanna sleep_ , Terra thought as he rolled over with his back to the window, _but there’s no way I’m gonna be able to do that now._

            He also wished Isa stuck around. It felt so good to be held like that, especially after a decade of everything being muted and the vast loneliness. He sighed and rolled out of bed. He padded into the kitchen to see Isa sat at the table, waiting on the coffee to be ready.

            Terra moved to the counter and slid open the bread box, grabbing a slice and casting a weak fire spell on it (it was faster than setting it on the stove and waiting for that to heat up).

            Isa muttered something about him being efficient then looked up at him.

“Given that we’re living together for the time being, there’s some information about me you should know about.”

            “Sure, what is it?” Terra asked as he spread some marmalade on his toast.

            “Firstly, do you remember anything specific about me from Xemnas?” Isa asked while getting up and pouring himself a mug of coffee.

            Seriously, he drank it black and he made it _strong_.

            “Not…really? Other than the obvious more important stuff, the most I can recall is you hated having busy weekends, all the drama, you like to be the big spoon, and you drink your tea and coffee without sugar.”

            _You seriously just remembered that insignificant information?_ “Well then, I suppose I should tell you.” Isa took a sip of coffee and continued. “I was not born equipped with the same assets as men like you.”

            Terra processed what he meant by that then perked up.

“What, really?” _How did I not remember that?_

            Isa nodded, continuing, “I began to transition at a very young age. Surprisingly, it was something my parents supported. I think they had always wanted a son and would take a “watered-down”, as they had put it, version of one. I was about twelve or thirteen when I began the process. That is why I pass so well, minus my genitals. I am also completely infertile because of it and other issues.”

            “Can’t you get surgery to fix downstairs, though?”

            “I find no reason to alter how I am in that sense. It does not affect how strangers and acquaintances see me and very few should be concerned about my genitals.” Isa’s voice grew firmer. “I personally do not mind having a vagina, I enjoy having one, and I seldom appreciate others telling me I cannot be a man with one. The only downside to this process outside of people acting as if they have some place in how I live my life is I cannot stop taking hormones and I inject them.”

            Terra was nodding like he was getting the answer of the century.

            “Is that what the syringes are for?” He asked.

            “Yes. I inject into my upper thigh. It’s unpleasant, but I’m used to it.”

            “I see!”

            “I figured it’d be important for you to know. The last thing we need is surprises.”

            Terra leaned back in his chair, shrugging. “I don’t really care, honestly.”

            “I wouldn’t know that.” Isa stated.

            “You have a point.” Terra said, wilting at the implication that Isa met people who _did_ care entirely too much.

            “Regardless, it’s ideal for you to know this about me lest any medical emergency happen and for you not to be surprised when you see me naked.”

            Terra took a bite of his toast and nodded.

            “That makes sense.”

                                                                                               ◊          ◊          ◊

            Isa always looked so serene when he slept, all worries of the day absent. Terra sighed softly as he gazed at his face, eyes tracing the scar on his face. He had no recollection of how Isa had gotten it, but Xemnas had something to do with it. Extending a cautious hand, he felt the marred skin with as much care as one would a moth’s wings. The scar wasn’t too deep, in fact it healed rather well and the scar tissue was generally smooth. It was a very clean cut.

            His hand ghosted along Isa’s cheek and jawline, pushing a few loose strands of blue hair out of the way. His strokes stuttered when eyes slowly opened. Isa’s hand slid up from his side to over Terra’s, thumb rubbing the top of his hand.

            “It wasn’t _you_.”

            Terra bit his lip.

            “But I did it, didn’t I? I just wasn’t _me_.”

            “It was your body, but it as also _Xemnas_ , not you. The fact you’re feeling guilty about it shows you’re nothing like him then.”

            Terra looked away, shame-faced, “Isa, if I never succumbed to the darkness in my heart and believed Xehanort, you wouldn’t have been forced into this mess.”

             “It could be far worse than it is.” Isa’s fingers curled around Terra’s hand and lowered it from his face. “We _escaped_.”

            “I know. I just, if my heart was stronger, if _I_ was stronger, none of this would have happened. I could have thwarted Xehanort’s plans before the experiments, before everyone else got pulled into it…”

             “And there’s nothing that can change that now. Such is fate.”

            Terra sighed.  They were silent for a few minutes, eyes closing and fingers hesitantly intertwining.

            “Where do we even go from here?” he asked, turning his head to the ceiling and watching the blue beam of moonlight stretched across it.

            Shrugging lightly, Isa replied, “Forward, I’d imagine, possibly taking some detours if we need to.”

            Terra nodded, a small smile twitching onto his lips.

            “That sounds good to me.”

                                                                                           ◊          ◊          ◊

            “It’s good to see you two are taking care of each other.” Aqua said, smiling as she leaned back with her teacup of tea in hand. “Sorry if he gets to be a handful sometimes.”

            “It’s no problem.” Isa said. _If anything, I’ve been causing the most issues._

            “It’s also a relief both of you are recovering. I was worried there was going to be some more irreparable damage, but it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be.”

            “We mostly just need to readjust. It’s pretty weird having full control of everything again.” Terra chuckled while curling and uncurling his fingers for emphasis.

            “I’m sure it is. I still have to get used to the world around me not warping around and for the sun to be out.” Aqua nodded, still smiling. “What have you two been up to?”

            “Catching up on sleep, mostly. So much has happened recently.”

            “Certainly.”

            Terra gazed out the window to his right, adding, “It’s pretty strange living a normal, slow-paced life. We don’t have to jump up and go to whatever world to fight off whatever new threat there is, and I kind of don’t know what to do with myself.”

            “Me neither.” Isa agreed.

            “Same here. We aren’t even training anymore, so it’s just so…average. Maybe we can shake it up and spar sometime? Ven is still really excited and energetic, so it’d be good for him too.”

            “Ah man, I’d love that. I haven’t seen him in a while. What’s he up to?”

            “He’s still training with everyone else. And you can join in on the sparring too, if you want. It could be good for you to blow off steam.” Aqua turned her calm gaze to Isa.

            “I’ll consider it.” _Are you asking me this because I was formerly a berserker, or is that a way of bonding between you three?_

            “You should come visit soon, maybe stay for an entire day or two, it’d be nice for you to be around again.”

            “It’d help you socialize a little too.” Terra said, turning to Isa. “I don’t think you’ve talked to Lea in a while.”

            “I’m sure he’s occupied.” Isa flatly grunted.

            Aqua and Terra exchanged “Oh boy, they had a fight, didn’t they” looks.

            “Well, whenever you have the time and energy. We can’t just expect to return to normal life with our baggage just like that.”

            Isa simply nodded, tense.

            Terra straightened in his seat, chiming in, “I might come over to catch up this weekend, actually. We can spar and I kind of need some cooking tips.”

            “Oh, no problem! But why do you want to learn how to cook suddenly? What did you try to make?”

            “Uh,” Terra rubbed his neck, flustered, “Pancakes.”

            “Oh.” She snorted, covering her mouth but failing to hide her grin.

            “They were with the boxed mix, so I’m just not used to it! Aqua! Stop laughing!”

            “I helped make the second batch; the first mix he made ended up with his hair slipping into it and they looked like cement. They were…Terra-ble.”

            The other two stared at him for that abrupt pun. He had a sense of humor?

            “At least you tried…” Aqua patted Terra’s shoulder reassuringly.

            “…but maybe you should invest in a waffle iron and just do those, they’re much easier.”

                                                                                              ◊          ◊          ◊

Again, the familiar clothes and the familiar filtered air. There he was in what remained of the round room. Isa stepped out from under the small shelter of collapsed chairs into the cold, sterile light. Xemnas sat, pensive.

            “I suppose I should apologize for last time,” Xemnas, who looked how he normally did (sans his eyes no longer have an unnatural intensity about them), said with his cheek rested on his fist, “I was still in the process of entering here after being cast from Terra and Xehanort’s grasp. I think you may have interpreted my appearance in a ghoulish way based on your perception of my status of being. Despite what you have thought, I’m very much alive.”

            “Entering?” Isa uttered, tone gravelly and narrowing eyes.

            He was torn between punching his face in or listening. Despite the muscles in his hand forming a fist without his input, he stayed where he was. He wanted to hear what he had to say. There was something different.

            Xemnas rose to his feet and slowly paced. He explained, “Your heart. I had grown a fraction of my own, but it is by no means enough to physically exist without Xehanort or Terra’s hearts or bodies. Instead, I’ve sought respite in the hearts of the other vessels. The others had rejected me, so I’m here.”

            “You’re _in_ my heart?”

            “In a way. It’s not in the way of possession, I do not have the power to do that, but simply resting in it like Ventus did. I have no influence over you in that way. I would not put you through that trauma like Xehanort had.”

            _Are you sure about that?_

“Why aren’t you in _Terra’s_? He’s a part of you. It only makes more sense for something that was a part of his heart would return to it.”

            “His rejected me, as well. Anything concerning his past and possession is walled off, and I am certainly the personification of that.” Xemnas leaned against the side of the chair with folded arms. “Yours, however, had enough cracks for me to slip through and it was not guarded as I had expected it to be.”

            “What will happen if you’re forced out?” Isa asked pointedly, staring him dead in the eyes.

            “I lack the strength to keep the shards of my being safe from the darkness. If I so much as touch such potent nothingness, then I return to being nothing as well; perhaps I may not even be remembered. I am like a spirit, to put it simply.”

            “I see.”

            Isa stepped closer and ghosted his fingers along the armrest, still staring at Xemnas.

            “So you’re a person yourself, now.” He stated observantly. “Like Roxas, you exist while your Somebody—in a sense—does. I do suppose Terra is more of your former vessel than Somebody, but you share similarities nonetheless.”

            Xemnas rose to his feet, nodding. “So it seems. And with this new way of existence, I must learn to comprehend my own motives, thoughts, and feelings instead of Xehanort’s filter. Thus, I find your heart the ideal place to do it.”

            “Why?” Isa asked, frowning.

            Xemnas leaned on the spike protruding from the side of the chair and lowered his head onto his folded arms, smiling. “There’s comfort in familiarity.”

            A flat reply, despite the scar on his face and his cheeks getting a little pinker, “I expect nothing less from you.”

            “Of course, I don’t expect you to trust me all that much, but I am far too weak to act upon any malicious plans I would have.”

            Isa was quiet.

            “I require time to come to terms with my humanity and the burden of emotions I had little disposition nor understanding of as a Nobody and vessel.” Xemnas continued.

            “What emotions couldn’t you understand?”

            “Loneliness, for one. I could place hatred, happiness, triumph, sadness, but loneliness was too profound for me to truly comprehend until I experienced it with what little of a heart I have.”

            Intrigued, Isa pressed further.

            “What’s it like?”

            Some part of Xemnas faltered. Eyebrows furrowing slightly and the usual index finger twitching on his right hand he typically did when stressed, he said, “I can’t even begin to describe it. I suppose the only thing close I can tie it to is fear.”

            He looked so _human_ , so vulnerable and soft. Isa hated the dull ache in his chest. He fought it and gave into the other feeling bubbling in his gut.

            “Can you feel pain?” Isa asked.

            “I could always feel pain.”

            “I really don’t think you’ve felt what _raw_ pain is.” Isa said, cold and direct.

            “Then show me.”

            “What?” Isa asked as he narrowed his eyes.

            “Kick me while I’m down just as I have done to others. Tear me asunder, leave me in shreds. Show me how this _raw pain_ feels. You could just so easily snuff me out for good as it is to cast me from here. Show me that you are so capable of inflicting this pain onto me and not just those you hold dear.”

            Isa snarled.

            “You’ll put your childhood friend through Hell and back, but you won’t do the same to the man who took your life and freedom?” Xemnas asked, tilting his head.

            “You don’t deserve the satisfaction of driving me to be any more like you.”

            “That wouldn’t be mimicry,” Xemnas said, grabbing Isa’s hand and placing it around his neck, “that would be justice.”

            Isa’s fingers tightened around it as he locked eyes with Xemnas’ dull orange ones. God, he looked tired.

            He had waited for this moment, this opportunity, to enact righteous revenge. It was what he dreamt of, obsessed over…right? His pulse thumped against Isa’s palm through his warm skin. Tired, and so, so human. He felt just like Terra.

_Just do it. Get it over with. Bask in the fact you can finally do this._

            Isa’s fingers twitched, breath shaky.

_Do it. I’ve wanted this for years. It’s for the better, so just do it. Move on._

            He clenched his teeth and lowered his head.

            “This isn’t it.” Isa sighed. “I don’t want my justice to be performed by violence.”

            Xemnas said nothing. Isa’s hand loosened.

            “It doesn’t matter, this wouldn’t matter. Xehanort himself isn’t here; it wouldn’t matter. That fucker needs his throat slit, and I never got the chance. This wouldn’t matter, at all. At most, it would be cathartic. That isn’t want I want, what I need.”

            “Why aren’t you holding me accountable?” Xemnas asked, eyebrows furrowing. “And shifting the blame entirely onto him? Have you forgotten whose throat you’re gripping and on the brink of snapping or tearing into? Are you in denial that I played a part?”

            Isa gazed back up at him, replying, “You aren’t him all the way. If anything, you’re more like his son by yourself. He wouldn’t have been able to feel what I inflict unto you.”

_Besides…_

            “You were born free from full-fledged emotions, and now you’ve been thrusted into feeling them all. You aren’t equipped for this. Your brain will now be muddled by them and they will make you ache more than any cut or strike would. You’ve felt loneliness, and that’s only the beginning. I think _that’s_ punishment enough.”

            The hand slid from Xemnas’ neck to his chest, and then limply fell to Isa’s side. His gaze wavered once again and his body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

His hand was still warm from Xemnas’ skin. He clenched his fist.

            Isa was so, so tired. So, so human.

            “Believe me.”

 

            He didn’t force Xemnas out.


	5. Favors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: this chapter will be very blatantly discussing childhood sexual abuse, parental alcoholism, domestic abuse, mentions of physical assaults, verbal abuse, suicide, suicidal ideation, and Isa just generally being wishy-washy with his feelings toward Xemnas and Xemnas being a Nort, as usual. The last two things aren't as heinous as the former issues, but it is not intended to be glorified in any way and there is no doubt some people may find it uncomfortable.

           The fog was heavy, lower roads and houses were obscured from the view of the ones above. It was isolating and quiet.

           “Have you had odd dreams lately?” Isa asked, his voice ripping through the silence.

           “A few.” Terra looked up from his plate. “Why?”

           “I need to know something. Is Xemnas in them?”

           “Other than random memories, only one. I was trapped in darkness. He told me there’d always be some part of him in me. Everything else is just general weird stuff dreams have.”

           “Hm.” Isa folded his arms on the table, watching the steam billow off his fresh coffee. “He’s been in a few for me, and we talk.”

           “You _talk_?” Terra raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

           “Everything. It feels real. Supposedly, he grew a part of a heart that was his alone and it was our hearts connecting. I don’t know, though; the mind can lie to you so easily.”

           “I mean, who knows. Could be legitimate if that happens again and they’re still super lucid.”

           Isa nodded.

           “I don’t know if I want it to be real.” He muttered.

           “Why would you want him to be _back_?” Terra asked, incredulous, “It doesn’t seem like a good thing for anyone.”

           “I cling to some hope he can be redeemed all while wishing he can’t so I’d have an excuse to end him myself and find some fulfillment. It’s a hatred with…conditions, I suppose.”

           Terra sighed.

           “Even if he _can_ be, it doesn’t just get rid of everything he did. It’d probably be better for you to just let him go as much as you can and keep him dead in your mind.”

           Isa’s shoulders hunched, staring holes into the table. “I know. I don’t fully understand it myself.”

            He sighed as well.

           “I still owe him for something, though, and if that means if I can help him change himself for the better, then I will certainly try. We’ve had a second chance despite our sins, why not him?”

           “What did he do that you’re so grateful over where you’re willing to _help_ him? He basically killed you and lead to Lea dying too. He helped steal the hearts of thousands of other people, too.”

           Grip tightening around his mug, Isa moved his stare onto Terra, saying, “He…put something in motion that I could never have done myself. He did a favor for me.”

           "Favor..." Terra murmured.

 _Yes,_ he thought, _it must be that one._

 

**…**

           The moonlight cast a rectangle of pale light across the bed and parallel wall. Xemnas stretched with a soft grumble about one thing or another. He slung one arm over Saïx’s bare back and looked his way.

           He had one arm slipped under the pillow which his head rested on and his other tucked close to his side.

            Xemnas sighed, lowering his head onto the other half of the pillow. His fingers ghosted along Saïx’s spine and slowed to feel the small, pale scars he had littered on his back.

           He had little idea what caused most of them, but it seemed they were old. Saïx was a mysterious and intriguing person, and Xemnas couldn’t help but wonder if his cold nature was hand-in-hand with the reason why he had so many scars and sensitivity to certain words and terms. Despite being forward about some things, this was not something he could probe from him verbally. Xemnas learned of such sensitivities by getting his shoulders and neck gouged because he was sweet-talking into his ear while Saïx was on his stomach under him. He didn’t even think Saïx could flip over that fast. Even for Nobodies, that automatic tensing and blank stare snapping into a rage was shudder-inducing and baffling.

           Perhaps the issues weren’t connected at all, but it seemed more than likely they were, given the upbringing Saïx vaguely mentioned during a previous conversation. Many of the members didn’t have ideal pasts, and Saïx was very likely one of them. There were little clues he could piece together.

            Not to mention the old but visible horizontal scar across his lower stomach that seemed especially heinous in some way and the fact Saïx had stated he was infertile at one point. That applied to all Nobodies since they had no full heart and could not make a _new_ person’s heart as a result, but the fact that Saïx had even brought that up when it was common knowledge was curious.

            Time to sate this curiosity, then.  

 

           “Number IV, I have an inquiry.”

           Vexen froze where he was at his desk. If he wasn’t summoned to the Round Room, then it was unusual.

           “Yes, superior?”

           “You have health records of fellow members?”

           “I-I do, whose do you want to look at?”

           “VII’s.”

           Vexen nodded and sifted through a mess of manila folders on his desk until he found one with agonizingly perfect cursive reading ‘Saïx.’ He handed the (heavy) folder to him, saying, “Everything I know about him is in here. Blood type, blood pressure, vitamin levels, allergies, former home address, favorite foods, the decline of bodily harm as a result of berserking, so on.”

            A soft “hm” in acknowledgment was all Vexen got in response.

            “May I ask why there’s such a sudden interest?” he asked, hesitantly returning to what he was previously doing.

            This time he got no answer and Xemnas plopped down in one of the empty office chairs strewn about the room. Seriously, for such an anal old man, he really didn’t bother to clean up his office-space; he was probably too engrossed in his experiments and studies to tidy up. Xemnas was surprised he hadn’t faded from tripping over a stray book and falling into the dangerous explosive and corrosive chemicals he had on one of the shelves. Truly lucky; the last thing they needed was for their resident scientist and self-appointed doctor to end up burnt beyond recognition or something.

           Xemnas could muse (and grimace) at the events within Vexen’s daily routine another time, he had his curiosity to sate.

           He skimmed over the information he already knew and was about ten pages in before he found anything remotely new or interesting. _I commend you for never underachieving with your reports, but merciful Kingdom Hearts, Number IV._

           Seriously, how did he think Saïx’s tendency to put his left sock on first was important and groundbreaking information glimpsing into the man’s damaged psyche? Xemnas figured the alcoholic parents and estrangement from the rest of his relatives since toddlerhood played more of a part than _socks,_ because he didn’t see how there’d be any general correlation between bad parenting and order of putting on footwear. Maybe it was a work of genius insight, but there was skepticism.

           Vexen awkwardly turned back around to his superior, stammering, “I think you’ll find my records for him, along with all other members, cover practically every topic we would need to know in order to--”

           “I’m aware.”

           Vexen shut up.

           At last, Xemnas got to the reports concerning the physical issues Saïx had. He just wished he didn’t read it, though.

“That’s what that scar is from?” Xemnas softly uttered to himself.

            “Oh, what, the one on his lower stomach? Yes, he sustained plenty of damage after that one assault by his father. He said he was stabbed, and as a result he needed the partial hysterectomy as such a young age.”

            “Would the other aspect of the assault cause damage, that severe, too?”

            “No, it was purely from the physical assault afterword, apparently.” Vexen sighed. “I can’t blame his mother for turning to liquor after that. She doesn’t appear to have been a model parent, either, though.”

           Out of the few things that stuck with Xemnas, this was one of them, and it didn’t stick in a good way. There was a twisting ball of ice on fire in his gut. It was one of those times he swore he could _feel_ disgust and not simply recall it as an appropriate reaction. Yes, Nobodies did regrow their hearts as time went on, but that weakness wasn’t something he allowed himself to feel as it muddled his mind and motivations.

           He flipped through more pages, and swore that name was familiar.

           Ah yes, he was one of the unfortunate souls whose heart was collected and saved amongst the many others in Hollow Bastion. He was amazed the sad excuse of a person didn’t keel over from alcohol poisoning before even setting foot in one of the cells. Perhaps Xemnas should take a detour next time he went to the Chamber of Respite…

           …and perhaps he’d bring Saïx along too.

 

           “There are matters I must attend to, and I ask you accompany me.”

           Saïx nodded from where he sat on one of the cold hard couches with a coffee clasped between his hands, asking, “Where are we going?”

           “Hollow Bastion. There’s something we need to look for.”

 _Possibly some data on or possessions of the old monarch, then._ Saïx figured.

            “There will be little to no combat, you needn’t prepare extensively.” Xemnas added.

 

            They silently swept through the darkened and decayed walls of the ruined castle, Saïx soaking in every detail he could. Usually he was required to be far more efficient and simply use a corridor to go where he needed to, but today he could study everything at his leisure.

            “The fall truly _was_ ten years ago.” Saïx softly murmured to himself. “And yet, this is a time capsule of dehumanization and arrogance.”

            Xemnas chuckled.

            “So it is.”

            _I suppose you retain some part of you, still. You’re so curious to see what this castle holds even though it stole your life._

            They entered an office, where Saïx studied the frantic scribbles on the walls about hearts, worlds, darkness, Heartless, amongst other things, and took another hall connected to it. They stepped out onto a glass balcony, and saw the endless rows of containment units glowing with hearts.

            Saïx was stunned.

            “In case you were wondering where the hearts of other subjects went,” Xemnas said, gesturing to them, “this is where they have been placed after losing their humanity.”

            “To lure more Heartless.” Saïx breathed, chest tightening and stomach clenching.

            “Yes. And as you can recall, it was not a flawless project.”

            “Why don’t we use these?” Saïx asked as if this was the most obvious thing. “They could contribute to Kingdom Hearts. We would just need to figure out how to…”

            “These are the people who you’d grown up surrounded by, and yet you’d cast what remains of them to the sacrificial altar to further our agenda?”

            Saïx scoffed, arms neatly behind his back as he stared out at the hearts.

           “What do they matter, anymore? They’re dead to the rest of the world and now are trapped here purposeless. They were too feeble-minded to become Nobodies of our caliber, and their Nobodies have surely become naught by now. We may as well make use of what is left of them.”

            “Why, Saïx, that’s _heartless._ ” Xemnas chuckled, his usual calm but sinister smile present.

            They resumed walking along until they had reached the floor of the Heartless Generator and it loomed above them.

            “Now then,” Xemnas turned to a Dusk warping in, “you know who to look for.”

            It wiggled in response and flipped through the air as it inspected the rows of hearts.

           Saïx watched it, confused. _Who?_   Were they looking for someone alive, or their heart?

            Xemnas stared over his shoulder at him, saying, “It may take a few moments, let’s enjoy the view elsewhere.”

            They leisurely made their way to the outside, looking over the expanse of blue valleys and cliffs.

            “This used to be under water.” Saïx muttered.

            It was strange to think Radiant Garden was mostly sea-level and at the lowest inhabitable part of the world. Back when everything was powered by that crystalline water and didn’t resemble shambling slums even within the wealthiest districts. Now, it loomed above all else as a grim effigy.          

“It was quite beautiful when it was.” Xemnas folded his arms. “However, it was no exception to the rule that all things end.”

             “I’m well aware.”

            “This one may have been undesirable, but there’s benefits to be found in other endings.”

            Saïx looked to him for what he meant.

            The dusk came back, skinny rubbery arms wrapped about one of the jars. It plopped it right into Saïx’s arms, prompting another baffled look.

            Xemnas’ stare bore through him, so he took that as a cue to inspect it. There was something…familiar about it. It gave off a vibe of dread that settled into his gut. He noticed the label and froze.

            “I think it’s time for you to take your revenge, and put that residual fear to rest.” Xemnas said slowly and flatly.

            “How?” Saïx practically whispered.

            “Any way you see fit. This isn’t an order, but a firm suggestion.”

            Saïx’s grip on the jar tightened as he stared at that name, feeling that knee-jerk panic rise up even further. That name was a string of letters he dreaded reading, what he dreaded hearing, what he raged against when they slipped into his mind. Because if he was forced to think that name, and he often was, he swore he felt _those hands_ on him.

            Saïx’s main defense mechanism was aggression.

            Because then, he wouldn’t be taken advantage of.

            And yet it never worked against remembering. He had every mean to finally end the man who had ripped a childhood from him, but he was still terrified of him, his name, and what they meant. No matter how much he fantasized about taking his revenge, he was always afraid. Dad had power over him when he was home, and he had even more power when he wasn’t. What would he do if he found out what Isa had done? He’d come home drunk again, screaming. Mom would get either a smack or a punch, Isa would either get ignored or too much attention. The mere thought that his lack of presence may imply he may return drunker and angrier than normal was gut-twisting.

            He felt the _hands_ , the sickness in his stomach, the booze-saturated breath in his face. Primal fear didn’t care that Nobodies had to recall their emotions to portray them (as far as Saïx knew), because at this moment it controlled _him_ and summoned itself to overwhelming proportions.

            No, he had no memory of the “accident” but he did remember the build-up and aftermath. Just because that one was physically damaging enough it that landed him in the doctor’s house (as hospitals did not exist in Radiant Garden and potions and cures only did so much), it didn’t mean all abuse ceased. Because afterword, his mother stopped protecting him and only drank herself into complacency so she wouldn't feel at fault and could ignore the muffled crying from the tiny single bedroom easier.

            "You filthy little bitch." She'd slur from her slumped form at the table and glare through her lusterless mess of blue hair. "Boy, girl, whatever you are, I'll be surprised if any man can ever truly love or respect a little whore like you."

           If anything, it clearly made it worse. Isa learned to wear a face of neutrality.

           Damn, all that emotional self-training was betraying him right now.

           He craved that usual emptiness, but all he got was trembling, tears, and a scream ripping from his throat. It wasn’t his usual roars when berserk, no, this was a very _human_ wail in effort to escape.

           So human.

           So, so weak; so, so terrified.

           His eyes took on that golden glint, his scar grew darker with the adrenaline and increased blood flow, and with a flick of his wrist his claymore flashed into his hand while the jar slipped from his hands. He swung down. It exploded in a mess of glass, and Heartless slipped up from the ground and ardently pursued the damaged heart ascending beyond their reach. Their tiny claws succeeded in snatching it from the air and festered onto it like a swarm of flies. It was lost to the darkness. He wished he could have done that himself, but such weak Heartless dragging him to oblivion was just as fine.

           Saïx watched on his knees, over-exerted arms twitching and limp in his lap with glass stuck in them and eyes wide.

           Xemnas watched on. Why was he acting like this? He was possibly the most stoic person within the Organization. Saïx certainly never let his emotions from his time as a human consume him as other members like Axel often did. Saïx didn’t remember a majority of the most traumatic event, how could it do _this_ much to him? Xemnas had never once seen the man dissolve into such a mess.

           Of course, Xemnas couldn’t understand; he had no disposition to understand this type of trauma and how it changed the mind. Even Nobodies weren’t spared; this kind of thing was part of the person even without their heart. It was formative in the worst way.

           “Why are you doing this?” Xemnas asked, staring at him curiously.

           He got no response, Saïx just shook.

           “You called everyone within here purposeless and only worth using for our gain, so why not use _him_ to destroy the life of the man who stole your childhood? The man who drove your mother to drink as well and for you to fear it, and the man who drove that knife into you. Kingdom Hearts would have rejected such filth, he had no other use.”

           “Why do you know all of that?” Saïx wheezed, arms tucked tightly to his chest.

           “If you do not recall, Vexen enjoys keeping records, and he hails from here, as well. He was certainly… thorough about detailing your experiences along with everyone else’s.”

           Saïx’s head dropped and he resumed staring at the ground and fighting the nausea climbing up his throat and raging shame and embarrassment.

           Xemnas, hosting two people and being the Nobody to them, had a complex thought process. Of course, he wasn’t aware of most of this as the battle of wills felt like basic inclinations, but Terra would push for one action and attempt to make him feel something while Xehanort intended to suppress any residual feelings and make him do something else.

           At the moment, Terra was practically grabbing him by the figurative throat and yelling at him to console Saïx and Xehanort instead calmly urged him to study the reaction then tell him to get up and RTC.

           Terra won, to a degree. He slowly pulled Saïx up onto his feet and pulled him into a hug, pressing his head into his shoulder. Prior to this, he had learned to immediately calm down Saïx by (relatively gently) gripping the back of his neck. He would shut down completely or just become stoic again. It was fairly useful if he needed to cease going berserk immediately. He didn’t do it this time because he was making the connection as to why doing that made him react that way. That was a bit too morbid for even him, and cold for this entire event. So instead, he settled for the more conventional way.

           “He will find no rest in oblivion.”

           Saïx shakily inhaled and asked in a hoarse mutter, “Why did you do this? It has nothing to do with you.”

           “There are some people even those without hearts will detest. Besides, with him occupying your thoughts it reduces your productivity and very clearly causes you stress.”

            _I was doing quite fine concerning him, thank you. He’s not the reason I’ve been so stressed, there were no triggers, but I sincerely doubt you’d understand this. Now, though…_

           Now he was fresh in Saïx’s mind, and it’d bother him even while knowing he was basically dead; there was just that instilled fear left over. Trauma didn’t like rationality. It’d definitely trouble him further later when he could think in a non-garbled way.

            “What are the other itineraries?” He asked, tiredly.

           “To RTC.”

           “Surely there’s something else we need to attend to here.” Saïx weakly protested.

           “This _was_ the mission, Saïx.”

           “I don’t understand what importance this carries, though.”

           “When Kingdom Hearts is complete and we all regain our hearts, it’s far better for some of the unnecessary grime to be scrubbed from them. Besides, it’s all the better to remove what baggage we can when all we feel is simulations of how we did in the past.”

           Swaying slightly, Xemnas ran a hand through Saïx’s hair.

           “In the very least, we found a heart Kingdom Hearts would have rejected, and so he will not taint our harvest.”

           Saïx heaved a heavy sigh, peeling himself from the noncommittal embrace and stepping back on still-twitching legs. What a bizarre situation. This wasn’t something he’d figure Xemnas would take an entire mission slot up for, yet he did. Should he be flattered, or…?

           Actually, he realized what just happened and he was mortified—about the breakdown, not the patricide. He was starting to feel pretty content with the patricide.

           “Should we RTC now?” He softly asked, staring at the ground.

           Xemnas nodded and opened a dark corridor.

           “I must apologize for being a liability.” Saïx murmured. “I let the ghosts of my emotions take over in a moment of weakness--”

           A hand firmly rested on his shoulder, and he sheepishly looked up to meet Xemnas’ gaze.

           “There are bigger concerns we must face than you inconveniencing us. Consider this a favor to you and humanity in general. Now clean up and rest.”

           Saïx sighed in resignation and exhaustion, and scuffled to the bathrooms. he swore he saw Xemnas smiling in his peripheral.

\---

           Terra pensively tapped his fingers on his mug of tea.

           “I kind of remember that.” He said, eyebrows furrowed.

           “Terra, do you know why he did it?” Isa asked, a twinge of nervousness in his voice.

           “Do you really want to know the truth?”

           Isa tensed.

           “Please.”

           “We _did_ have kind of a reaction to hearing about what happened to you, but his main idea was to knock down some more barriers around you. We knew what you were planning, and the faster your walls you put up were torn down the faster your possession could spread and we could stop your and Lea’s takeover. It wasn’t all from altruistic anger.”

           “It was still the most anyone had ever done about that.”

           “It doesn’t mean he’s good.”

           Isa scoffed bitterly, “I know that well enough. Bare minimum, right?”

           They sat in silence. Bad memories were bubbling up, Terra could tell from the tensing in Isa’s body and the pallid tone his face was taking. Allowing him to sink into an episode wasn’t a grand idea.

           “Your whole…childhood situation. Don’t you think you should get some help for that? Nobody you’re around is really qualified to help you cope with it.”

           Isa folded his arms, nails digging into his forearms and glowering. “I am not willing to divulge such inner demons to someone who’s paid to listen to me. Besides, it doesn’t affect me as it once did. The perpetrator is essentially dead.”

           The therapy experience was already under a negative impression by him, as Vexen tried to dig into his psyche and gather data with no regard for actually solving any problems. No wonder Zexion ended up a misanthropist.

           “But it still _does_.” Terra urged.

           “I know.”

           Nothing else was said. Terra tensely returned to his own thoughts, mulling over the memories of that _favor_.

           Isa stared out at the fog.

 


	6. Never Been a Good Actor

            Again, Isa stood beneath those collided chairs and again, he walked out from under them to the center of the room. Xemnas had his folded arms rested on one of the armrests of the remaining chair and his head within them, clearly asleep or trying to be.

           Isa stepped closer, tense. He stopped about two feet away from him and simply watched him rest peacefully. Xemnas would look statuesque if it weren’t for the slow rise and fall of his chest and shoulders.

           The lack of professionalism nor caring was… actually endearing despite everything.

           A little more relaxed, Isa neared him further and cautiously sat on the free armrest. There weren’t words; Isa didn’t wake him. Instead, he leaned against the back of the chair, hands clasped in his lap and took a power nap. Having these kinds of encounters took the restfulness from his sleep, so he tried to get back what he could.

 

 

            The sound of a leather-like coat rubbing against the chair woke him. Saïx grumbled and lifted his head, much to his stiff neck’s chagrin. Yeah, he’d stick to napping on something he could actually lay down on. beds were nice.

            He twisted around to Xemnas, who was groggily stretching and yawning.

            “I can’t imagine sleeping in a chair is very comfortable.” Saïx said while slipping from the armrest.

            Xemnas, who still looked damn tired, uttered, “It isn’t.”

            Clearly.

           “What are you going to do now?” Saïx asked a slowly pacing Xemnas.

            “Persist. There isn’t much I can do besides wait or succumb at the moment.”

            Right. Saïx inhaled slowly, hand firmly gripping the armrest now.

            “Are we going to discuss our time in the Organization, among other things?”

            “If you so desire to." Xemnas didn't look at him. "I suppose it’d do well for the two of us to do so. Clear some things up.”

            Saïx leaned back stiffly.

            Xemnas slowed his pacing, gesturing for him to continue, “You have questions. Go ahead.”

            “Are you going to lie to me?” Saïx asked, narrowing his eyes.

            “This is our hearts communicating, and hearts cannot lie. Certainly, there can be a veil cast over them, but I nor you are in any disposition to do so while so fresh and raw.”

            “You were born from deceit.”

            “That changes nothing. My heart will speak only what I truly know and feel.”

            “Fine.”

           Saïx took a breath and glanced his way.

           “…Has Xehanort made you do things you regret?”

            “Yes, but he is me and I am him. The distinction was there, but not as contrasting as you may think. What few things I may feel guilt over are few and in between. If it is any consolation, one of my regrets is contributing to making you the way you are.” Xemnas replied.

            He seemed disinterested. 

            Saïx stiffened. “And you knew about our plan?”

            Xemnas chuckled.

           “You never _were_ a good actor.”

            Saïx felt a chunk of ice settle in his gut and the back of his neck go hot.

            “I have questions, myself.”

           Saïx nodded, jaw firm.

           “Many things within your heart are blocked off, locked up and never to see the light of day. I have no means to access them, and I can only wonder if you can or if the contents have been cast to the dark recesses within here beyond even your reach.”

            “Can you refrain from sifting through my brain?” Saïx uttered.

            Xemnas began to pace around again.

            He tilted his head to Saïx, raising one eyebrow ever-so-slightly. “I can find no answers by lingering here because of that, so I ask you this: what was the reason you decided I had to die last-minute? Did you have regrets, yourself?”

            “No. I simply allowed myself to succumb to the allure of reciprocation in a moment of weakness. However, for anyone to lead normal lives again let alone have them, the entire plan had to be stopped.”

            Xemnas folded his arms and chortled, a sneer spreading on his lips. “You were conscious of other people’s safety? I’m surprised.”

            Saïx huffed softly.

            “Regardless, may I ask how normalcy feels?” Xemnas asked. “I’ve had no opportunity to experience such a thing.”

            “I don’t have any of that. What normalcy I had wasn’t normal. I didn’t expect to be alive right now.”

           Saïx sighed. _I don’t know if I want to be. All of this is so..._

            Xemnas stopped his pacing, eyebrows furrowing further.

           “Again with those thoughts?”

            Oh, right, he could pretty much read his mind. Fuck.

           “Can you blame me for wanting to put an end to this miserable existence I was continually under the belief that would not be something I could have? I hadn’t prepared to be here. I feel I have no purpose.”

           This wasn’t new with him. Many times, he went to the castle’s roof or balcony and stared at the glowing green abyss below. But the first time…

.

.

.

 _Nobodies fade instead of dying. We return to nothingness._ Saïx sighed. _Perhaps that’s better than here._

           The absolute silence of the lifeless city sat below him. That’s how everything was: lifeless. What was there to stay for? He was empty and cold too. This incessant aching ring was always in his head, too. It sapped him of energy and put him in some odd state of autopilot and unusual thought processes that felt foreign to him.

           “Isa?” A weary voice asked his back.

_Lea?_

           Saïx stepped back from the ledge and locked eyes with Lea—Axel, whatever. Whoever he was, he seemed almost like a replacement for Lea where there was just something _wrong_. He was still horrendously skinny and he still didn’t let his arms rub against anything. The burn scars were probably still tender. Because of that, he was awkwardly stiff.

           That avoidance of physical pain seemed like it was the only discomfort Axel was currently experiencing because he was devoid of emotions like everyone else. Still, his arms were at his side and his back slouched. It didn’t seem like Lea was in there anymore. Those strange markings by and below his eyes were also permanent, apparently. Scars or marks by some darkness of some sort too, Saïx figured.

           “What are you doing?” Axel asked wearily.

           Saïx didn’t say anything and Axel just slowly and clumsily stepped forward, weakly gripping his hand and pulling him back with as much of a tug as he could muster.

           He was still exhausted and weak by the whole heart experiment thing, much more than Saïx was. He also tried to _do_ more while in captivity even when it'd definitely be in vain, too, so that made some sense.

           “Again? Why? It's been so long since last time you...”

           Saïx simply lowered his head onto Axel’s shoulder (jeez, he got tall), replying, “Lea, I don’t want you to ever understand why, because that means you’d feel the way I do.”

           “I _do_ , though. Well, I don’t, but I know how you are." Axel chortled dryly. "We’re both empty.”

           “No, not that.” Saïx murmured, scar stinging.

           Not…

.

.

.

           “…Not exactly… but concerning nonetheless.”

           This pulled Saïx from his daze.

           Concerning?

            Xemnas stood there, frowning. It was strange to see him so… awkward? He seemed uncomfortable, almost. Xemnas being uncomfortable practically never happened. In fact, had he ever been uncomfortable before? Well, he hates the chairs, so he was at least physically uncomfortable.

          Though, it wouldn't be unusual for anyone to be uncomfortable and unsure dealing with the idea of suicidal ideation when they'd never experienced it themself.

          “Don’t worry yourself. They are merely thoughts and ideations, nothing more. I’ve learned to resist them. If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t be here like this nor would I have ever been a vessel.”

        _But maybe it’d be better that way._

        Xemnas rubbed his chin, pacing slowing to a stop. It didn’t seem like he was going to probe any further. It wasn’t something Xemnas himself understood. Perhaps his mind was now gummed up with emotions like how Saïx expected. It looked like it.

        Concern, he looked concerned again. The idea that Xemnas would truly feel anything for him was a peculiar thought, even if it was merely pity.

        But if Saïx had reached a point where he was feeling some affection (and spite) toward him, it wasn’t impossible that Xemnas ended up doing the same. He wasn’t sure if it that was a good or bad thing since they were just using each other for their own means and getting off. But it was better than pure hatred, he figured. If he was just hated, he'd probably just be dead or a Dusk.

        And yes, he was passively suicidal, but he'd prefer it if he wasn't gonna be offed by the boss who gave everyone one scheduled vacation day a year.

        It would have been easier to cast Xemnas out and resume life before that first dream, but he must have been a masochist, he figured. Some cruel attachment had formed, but why did it stay after he was freed from Xehanort’s possession—no, parasite?

        Also yes, his childhood and words practically carved into him about how no man could possibly give a fuck about him probably played into it, too. That was significant, it always had been with him deep down, but why it decided to sway him toward a man who barely did, he didn’t know.

        That’s just how it had to be, huh? Terrible.

        Footsteps neared, and he lifted his hanging head.

        “Do you… want to talk about that?” Xemnas asked, still awkward.

        Up close, his eyes were more of a honey-brown and had some kind of life in them now. Before they were just empty voids with a ring of malevolent fire around them.

          He was so unused to this, wasn’t he?

          Saïx lightly shook his head, flatly replying with “No.”

          _You wouldn’t understand. You know you don't, I can tell._

           Xemnas’ eyebrows furrowed further. There was a waver in his usually unnervingly calm voice.

           “Then the only consolation I can offer is that I’m sorry.”

           No flat "apologies" uttered this time (out of the few times he apologized in any form), no, it was “I'm sorry." What?

           Saïx tensed.

           “For…what?” he asked warily.

           Xemnas hesitantly stepped back, arms tucked behind him. He nervously—if it was nervousness—tilting his head to stare off at something else.

           This prompted a frown from Saïx and a questioning stare.

           Sighing, Xemnas lowered his head until his face was obscured by his hair. “I can’t say everything, and you wouldn’t believe me anyway, but it’s over at least a few things. Note the aforementioned things I regret.”

           Out of the two of them, the egotistical prick grooming him to be a vessel and who ran a cult apologized more genuinely than Saïx ever did in his entire life. Or, at least, it seemed like he did. Hearts can’t lie. Damn. To be fair, though, the standard for apologies from him was practically nonexistent.

           “You know words can’t compensate for what you did, whether this part of your heart was there or not at the time.” Saïx hissed, tense. “People lost their lives. And technically, I was one of them. Forgiveness is not an active trait of mine, by now.” Saïx said flatly.

           “I know.”

            “Are you guilty over _that_?” Saïx asked he he took a step back.

            “I’m supposed to be, aren’t I? I feel as though I am guilty, but I don’t know if I’m faking it.”

            “You would know if you were feeling it, guilt isn’t a feeling that can be faked or misconstrued even if you didn’t have a heart.”

            Xemnas folded his arms, sighing.

            “I don’t know.”

            “Does it make you sick to your stomach?” Saïx locked eyes with him. “Then yes, you are.”

            “I wouldn’t go that far, but maybe I don’t have enough of a heart to feel it entirely.”

            Xemnas sighed again and began pacing again.

            “I don’t know. Whatever I _am_ feeling, though, I despise it. Now that I can feel my own emotions so intensely and raw, it’s weighing on me. They drag me down into a pit of exhaustion and frustration with every waking second.”

            “Whatever that may be. Still, how has a heart changed you so much?” Saïx narrowed his eyes. "You actually seem like a person, now."

           “You’re asking the wrong person.” Xemnas chuckled dryly. “I don’t even know. I suppose it has more of an impact to have one now when I was born without one.”

           “Fair enough. You weren’t built to feel. We both know that.”

           Silence permeated the room and the voids above and below it, only to be broken by Xemnas groaning.

           “I’m _tired_. You lived like this almost all your life?”

           “Unfortunately. It’s much more bearable when you spend your formative years with emotions, however.”

           Saïx watched him sit back down and rub his face with a groan.

           “I expected you to be…far angrier about having a heart. All that preaching of hate and rage and all that for years turned out to be false?” He murmured, tilting his head.

           “I lashed out the second I was rebirthed.” Xemnas grunted. “It was all too much, like a harsh shock that left me reeling. The only thing it did was damage the shred of a heart I had more than it was. There’s no energy left in me to act on that anger, anymore.”

           He lowered his head again, perplexed.

            Silence.

            “I think the only thing I’ve been left feeling besides regret is…grief.”

            “It’s for the best. That's a good feeling for you to start on and mull over.” Saïx said, inhaling slowly as if in preparation.

            “But know that with this second existence you’re given a second chance, suffering or not. Continue resting, heal your heart until you can leave here, and make it up to everyone you ruined the lives of,”

             Saïx stepped closer again, looming and expression hard and cold, “or you let your anger consume you and all you become is a stain of contempt on me once again and nothing more. Use what energy you have wisely, I will not grieve a second time.”

            “There are no guarantees. Both if I can improve myself and if I will make it.” Xemnas stated.

            “I know, but being able to feel guilt may sway you in that direction for the former. It’d be better for everyone. Also, people won't want to jump you as soon as they see you if you can reform.”

            “Why do you care about what happens to me this much?” Xemnas asked, voice less cold and with a hint of cautious fondness.

            “If everyone else got a second chance, why shouldn’t you? Nobody in the Organization was entirely innocent, yet here we are.” Saïx folded his arms. “You have a chance too, that’s all.”

            Xemnas studied him, brown eyes scrutinizing. In response, Saïx turned further away and pretended to stare off at something else, ears pink.

            “You really never _were_ a good actor.” He chuckled.


	7. Working Out & Working It Out

            If there was one thing Isa loved to do when stressed out and angry, it was exercising. Luckily, Terra felt the same way about it so he had a workout partner since Lea wasn’t exactly available. The small house, however, was not the ideal place to work out, so they ended up jogging for an hour before heading to the old garden. It was a good time to do it, too, because it was getting colder soon. Autumn was a fickle thing when it came to weather.

            “You look like you’re sleeping better lately.” Terra said before doing another one-armed pushup. “Xemnas still in there?”

            “Yes, he’s mostly sleeping, though, so there’s less interruption in my own rest.” Isa replied as he did a sit-up.

            Terra nodded. “That’s good. The less him, the better.”

            Isa rolled over and joined in on the pushups. He blew a loose piece of hair flopping in his face, grunting, “He’s calming company still, so he’s invaluable at the moment. How can you tell, by the way?”

            “You’re not dragging yourself along.” Terra replied, shrugging as much as he could. “Also, you aren’t drinking as much coffee like it’s the only thing keeping your blood moving.”

            _It’s not like he’s the only one who can help you…_ Terra returned his stare to the grass only an inch from his face, _…but you just keep pushing people away the moment they show that they care for you. Did you and Lea even start talking again after that whole name argument?_

            Isa may have had a ghosting problem.

            “Fair observation.” Isa snorted.

            Now that he remembered it, he could go for a cup about now. But it was too late in the day, it being around 2 PM, so he’d abstain until tomorrow. He’d settle for a sports drink or something; he found out about them while spotting Axel in the castle’s gym. Well, it was sort of a gym. There were those padded mats, an exercise ball, a treadmill, and a few bars to do pullups on. It was nothing special, but it was something. Regardless, he was fond of the blue and orange ones.

            The sun was hot on his back, which was welcome since the breeze bristling the leaves and grass was too brisk for his taste. His aching muscles pleaded for him to just flop down and soak in the warmth offered and listen to the birds chirping and the bees lazily buzzing about. Man, the lack of berserking was putting him out of shape. Dammit, though, he wanted those endorphins and that satisfying ache!

            Whatever, he’d take a break. He wiped his brow and sat back down.

            A shower or swim sounded more than ideal, but seeing how most of the water went into the chasm, the latter didn’t seem like much of an option. There was no more Lea and Isa running out to the castle garden, climbing over the gates, and diving into the water. Sure, they got yelled at by Dilan a lot, but it was something to do when you were a broke teenager who didn’t want to go home or didn’t have one to go to. He’d hang out in Lea’s room, but they got too raucous and got chewed out by the orphanage’s staff.

            Yeah, there was no more of _that_ garden, either. At least there was _this_ garden with the shrubbery and flowers. A lot of it was still missing, though.

            Terra flipped over and sat up, reaching over for his water bottle. By then, there were rivulets of sweat running down his face and neck. The sun really did get hot when you were under it long enough. Water was definitely the sweetest thing ever when parched. He lounged back on his elbows, letting the empty water bottle roll closer to their small pile of snacks they brought along.

            “I wonder if I’ll have to go do Keyblade stuff anytime soon.” He said thoughtfully.

            “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like there’s a problem at the moment.”

            “Darkness is as darkness does.” Terra groaned. “ _Someone’s_ going to be tempted and unlock _some_ kind of power and go try to destroy a world and we’ll have to go stop them.”

            Isa stood up and stretched, chuckling, “I’m almost glad I’m not obligated to do that.”

            “I mean, if you wanna take up training to be a wielder, then maybe you’ll end up coming along.”

            Isa frowned. “I’m content with actually having time to relax. Although, being a normal civilian after so long is odd.”

            Terra nodded solemnly. “Mm. It doesn’t feel like we belong here.”

            “Exactly.” Isa said.

            _But I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere._

            “Well, give it more time. Also,” Terra stood up, “I’d say now’s a good time to start heading home before we wear ourselves out. It’s getting darker earlier and earlier nowadays, too.”

            He picked up his bottle and a few fiber bars that fell out of the drawstring backpack he brought along. He contemplated munching on one.

            “Also, I’m really hungry.” He added.

            “That’s two of us. Let’s go before my digestive system goes more berserk than I ever have.”

            Isa groaned at the itchy ache in his arms and legs as they climbed up the crumbling steps, and Terra seemingly sympathized judging by the slight grimace on his face as they clambered over some rubble.

            “Whew, sun’s still hot.” Terra sighed.

            “It makes me wish we had a porch.”

            “Oh, yeah! That sounds amazing. Or maybe a balcony with a hammock or bench swing.”

 _Taking a nap together in a hammock sounds nice._ Terra thought. _It’d be nice if you’re into that._

            Isa was an enigma to Terra. First, he was distant, then he was warming up to him to the point where he could touch his face, and then he backed off. Maybe he thought he was coming on too strong? Maybe it was too much on Terra’s part by immediately reciprocating? Wanting to bring it up, Terra always bit back since he figured Isa would get defensive about one thing or another and shut him out. Isa was a master at the silent treatment, and it seemed pretty impossible to coax him out of that when he wasn’t willing to.

            Maybe he’d try to ease back into a more comfortably close atmosphere with him. Slow and steady wins the race, as it were.

            Terra slowed down to walk in step with Isa, asking, “You wanna go grab lunch somewhere instead of going home and just eating the usual? Not like there’s much money we need to put to the side other than groceries, rent and utilities.”

            Terra could appreciate all the accrued munny they’d collected over the years. He still had Xemnas’ since the guy was using his body, so he wasn’t complaining by any means. He just hoped Xemnas didn’t want it back because nah. Combined with Isa’s munny, they were set for a while. They could probably move into a slightly bigger house or apartment with a backyard, but any houses like that were already taken and were few and far between.

            “If you want to. What is there around here?” Isa asked.

            Terra pondered as they made their way back to the more populated area of Radiant Garden. It seemed like there were new businesses popping up every day, so keeping track was getting difficult.

            “There’s that one café near the end of the street, the one with the blue and yellow awning? Aqua, Ven, and I went there for some snacks. I also think there’s an actual restaurant near Merlin’s house.”

            Isa watched a dog being walked ahead of them, saying, “The restaurant would probably be more filling and healthy.”

            “Good point. We could probably go to the café some other time and make a morning out of it.”

            “That sounds fine.” Isa nodded and slid his hands into his pockets. “We certainly aren’t lacking in free time.”

            He was really focusing on that dog. It looked like an akita or something. Isa still really liked dogs, it seemed. Actually, having a dog around would be pretty nice, wouldn’t it?

            “Yeah, definitely.”

 _I think we really need some new hobbies._ Terra thought. _We need something to do before we go stir-crazy or something._

            Really, working out and going to the market twice every week wasn’t a whole lot to do outside the house. Inside the house, there wasn’t much to do either. You could only nap, clean, and read so much. Not having enough to do because they didn’t need to work at the moment? Talk about first-world problems.

            Ah, air conditioning. They sat in a corner booth, a window to Isa’s back and casting a halo of light onto him. Terra tapped his fingers on the flimsy fake wood table as he read over the menu.

            He contemplated whether smoked fish or a loaded sandwich sounded better, asking, “What are you going to get?”

            “Probably steak or fried potatoes. Either are filling.”

            “Those sound really good, actually.”

            Though, honestly, any food sounded good at the time.

            While they waited for the waitress to come around, Isa gazed out the window and got lost in his own thoughts. Handsome as always. Seriously, the guy could look like a statue belonging in a museum even while plunging the toilet. Despite everything, he was unusually tense. Yes, he was typically pretty tense as it is, but he was more so than usual even with working out considered.

            “Are you alright?” Terra asked awkwardly, fidgeting with his silverware.

            Isa snapped from his daze and glanced over at him.

            “I’m tired, and I’m sure you are too.” He murmured into his palm. “Why do you ask?”

            “You’re acting different lately.”

            “I’m dealing with a lot, and I’m not getting as much sleep.”

            “Mm, okay.” Terra sighed. “I’m just worried.”

            Isa didn’t move his gaze from the window this time, but he leaned against the back cushion. “I’m sorry I concern you.”

            The waitress walked up, beaming at them. She looked familiar, but they couldn’t put a name to her just by appearance nor name. They probably just saw her around. They ordered, Terra deciding on the smoked fish, and Isa resumed looking out the window like it was the only thing keeping him breathing.

            Watching him, Terra sighed again.

            He resumed, saying, “You were getting really open with me and then just stopped one day, and I don’t know why.”

            Isa raised his eyebrows slightly, but didn’t avert his gaze. “That? I’m just overwhelmed. I need to focus on one thing at a time.”

            “…Alright. I didn’t know if I did something wrong or went too fast or what. I don’t want to scare you off from being able to feel comfortable around me.” Terra softly said as he watched Isa unroll and lay out his silverware.

            “Don’t worry about it. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all on me.”

            “Do you want to talk about it?”

            “Eventually, not now.” Isa paused to acknowledge and thank the waitress simultaneously with Terra then continued. “I just need to ponder over it.”

            Terra began cutting up the fish. “If you need to talk about it or just vent about it, I’m here. I don’t think you and Lea are quite on personal conversation terms again yet, are you?”

            Isa chortled bitterly. That was a no.

            “Rest assured, I’m still comfortable enough with you to discuss any new issues I may have. I’m not able to articulate how I feel at the moment, though.” He said, giving Terra a ghost of a forced smile.

            Terra nodded but was still worried, Isa could tell; he wasn't convincing _anyone_ he was actually okay.

            He wanted to believe Isa, he did, but it was hard to when only a couple months ago Isa could barely drag himself out of bed. It was entirely possible he thought he may be on the verge of another bad depressive episode. Plus, the whole Xemnas thing concerned him even more, and that was _very_ evident. No one could really blame him.

            Isa may have looked progressively annoyed with constant reasurrance, but deep down there was an ounce of flattery in Isa that Terra even gave a shit about him. They didn’t even personally know each other for that long (Terra just watching Xemnas doing stuff and sometimes influencing him, aside). He could appreciate that. Terra was a fairly empathetic person, it seemed, but Isa still couldn’t explain why exactly he withdrew to him. He knew Terra wouldn't start beating on him or anything, so his fear was pretty damn irrational and he knew it. Even though he was so nice and understanding, Isa still feared a reaction if he knew the truth. _That_  mentality was beaten into him.

            Isa needed to mull over his situation. He’d leave it at that. He wasn’t about to ruin their day out, he’d just lose sleep over it. Maybe once he finally felt safe enough (if that were to happen) he'd tell Terra everything, but today was not that day.


	8. Recreational Activities

“Ah, the beach is nice. A whole lot different from the rubble and cobblestone.” Terra sighed as he soaked in the sunshine and shuffled through the sand.

            “It’s certainly a change.” Isa commented, nodding. “Radiant Garden gets cold.”

            Not having to fight that ever-present chill or giving in and putting on a jacket was pleasant.

            He turned to the shore. The deep blue sky and puffy defined clouds were also a nice change of pace. Despite the rhythmic waves, it was as if time itself had stopped—like he had simply stepped into a pocket of immortality and respite from the world across the waves and stars. A gentle breeze brushed through his hair, which prompted him to push it back out of his face and tie it back. He’d rather _not_ have hair stuck in his mouth.

            “Guys! Finally!”

            Ventus leapt at Terra, beaming and looping his arms around his shoulders and neck.

            With a guffaw, Terra hugged him back.

            “I know, right? Jeez, you got taller.”

“Did I? It’s about time.” Ven laughed, grin getting bigger as he swept his hand over his hair.

“Yep. Where’s everyone else?”

            “They’re up in the treehouse over there,” Ven slid off Terra and pointed over to the massive tree behind them, “which is kind of…cozy with all of us in it. Usually there’s only a few of us here at a time. You’ll like it, though! We never got to have a fort back home.”

He bounced on the balls of his heels then bounded off back toward the tree, yelling, “C’mon!”

            “Someone’s excited.” Terra chuckled as he turned back to Isa.

            Isa slowly turned from his place at the shore, adding, “It’s strange seeing him still like that.”

            “Oh, that he still looks like he did years ago?”

            Isa began walking up the beach, replying, “Yes. It’s strange considering how he’s technically about my age.”

            “Yeah, definitely. I’m a little jealous, honestly.” Terra caught up and folded his arms, sighing. “I wish I still physically looked how I did a decade ago.”

            Isa could sense the impending sulking already, and cut in by saying, “I sort of don’t. My hair was terrible.”

            “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

            “ _Oof,_ sure. You never really saw it before I was a visual mess.” Isa grimaced.

            They climbed up, and Ventus and Sora practically leapt at them (again). The inside of the treehouse was relatively small and short, so pretty much everyone was sitting down.

            Terra eagerly sat down by Ventus and Aqua whereas Isa hesitantly sat down by Kairi, who gave him a sympathetic smile. She was between him and Lea, and that was fine by him. Next to Lea, Roxas and Xion peered over at Isa with suspicion while shifting to block Naminé from his view. He couldn’t blame them, honestly, but couldn’t they be more subtle?

            Wow, he felt _very_ wanted here.

            He got a friendly wave from Lea, at least.

“It’s good to finally all be together and just relax.” Aqua sighed.

            “Sure is.” Terra nodded. “It’s almost boring, though.”

            “That’s why you gotta visit more often and spar and hang out with us!” Ven suggested, arms folded in a mock-pout.

            “You know I will,” Terra said, “I just need to get used to having control of my body before I run around too much. My coordination still isn’t up to par, yet.”

            He reached over and ruffled his hair.

            “I’ll definitely come over for lunch if you guys have time for that kind of thing, though.”

            “Oh, definitely.” Aqua replied.

            While the three of them went back and forth discussing what they should do soon, Isa opted to stare at his hands and listen to them.

            “How are you?”

            “I’m well enough.” Isa glanced Kairi’s way. “Thank you. You seem to be doing well, yourself.”

            “Better than ever!”

            “That’s good.”

            Isa resumed merely listening to the others converse. Terra, Ven, and Aqua were discussing the weather and when a picnic would be best, Lea made a pun and Kairi, Roxas, and Xion simply snorted in mild exasperation while Naminé smiled. Riku shot back an equally bad pun, followed suit by Sora. It quickly became a pun and dad joke showdown and Isa could already begin to feel himself dissociate.

           

“Hey.”

            Isa leaned on the railing, folding his arms as Lea leaned next to him.

            “You feeling better? You _look_ better. I don’t see existential despair and cravings for death behind your eyes anymore.”

            “Somewhat.” Isa said. “Do your friends know how to express disdain in a far subtler manner?”

            Axel chuckled, but his smile was sympathetic. “Only when they want to. Can’t blame them for being wary around you, even when they know you were possessed now. Seriously, though, you say that like you aren’t my friend too?”

            Isa didn’t reply. He simply gazed over at Lea, knowing he knew what he felt.

            “You know that’s not the case.” Lea stated.

            “Isn’t it?”

            “The only reason I wouldn’t be your friend is if you cut me off, man, and I don’t want that.”

            Isa said nothing. He clearly wasn’t going to discuss this further. May as well not press it.

            Lea chuckled nervously. “Any-anyway. Less depressing stuff. You and Terra make a good couple.”

            Isa frowned and continued to stare off at the ocean. “We aren’t dating.”

            “You aren’t? I’m amazed. I figured the ‘ol Xemnas thing would’ve…”

            Isa turned his eyes down to the foliage below, face devoid of emotion.

            “It did, initially, but not anymore. We’re both fine with it.”

            “Oh. Hey, as long as you two worked it out.” Lea shrugged. “I feel like you guys could work together really well, though. He seems like he’d be good for you.”

            Eyebrows twitching closer to each other, Isa glanced at him stiffly.

            “Everyone seems to think that.” He uttered.

            “Then why don’t you give it a chance? Like, have one date or something and figure out if you want to go from there.”

            “The heart is a fickle thing, and it doesn’t necessarily always want what’s best for its owner.”

            Lea was quiet, mulling that statement over.

            “You serious?” He asked.

            The only response he got was a bitter stare and a soft “Isn’t it ironic?”

            He put his hands in his pockets, sighing, “Yeah, so much for it just being part of the plan, huh?”

            Isa snorted, peering over his shoulder at Roxas stepping out with that look on his face like he was trying to find a specific person he wanted to speak to. Upon seeing them talking, he shrugged and walked back inside. Must not have been too important.

“Mom still gets to me, sometimes.” He said flatly.

Lea slowly reached over and patted his shoulder, suggesting they get some _strong_ alcohol sometime.

Isa didn’t really think he got it.

◊          ◊          ◊

            Terra stood in front of the bathroom mirror.

            The eyes staring back didn’t look like his, and the way his skin and muscle clung to his bones didn’t feel like his either. In fact, the hair hanging in his face and draping over his shoulders didn’t belong to him, the pulsating muscle in his chest didn’t beat blood that belonged to him nor made by him, the gray matter rested atop his eyes and spine felt more like a temporary stop than his permanent place—a hotel room unfamiliar to him.

            The only part of him that was him anymore was his consciousness, it seemed.

            What the hell did all his perseverance do, after so long of keeping his head above water, but drop him back into a body that no longer felt or ran like his?

            There was hatred and obsession etched into him—a hatred and obsession he no longer owned but left its mark in the irreversible way of life, aging, and scars left on him from the other possessor. He lost his life but was given it back the second it was no longer needed. Eighteen and going on thirty-one.

            But Aqua had endured a decade in the Realm of Darkness, Ventus had to fight against and essentially destroy a part of himself after being groomed to become a weapon, Isa..well… Isa went through a lot in general, and everyone else? If Roxas could survive being a walking existential crisis, then Terra really had no excuse, did he?

            Despite that weak reassurance, the relentless sensation of emptiness was stronger than ever.

            Isa always talked about how the Isa from before was gone, and Terra had to wonder if there was even a Terra left or just the sentiment of him.

            He tore his stare from the spiteful observer in front of him and looked down. Was this sense of wrongness what Xehanort felt in the bodies of everyone else—assuming he even spared a second to ponder the situation? Backing up from the mirror and leaving the bathroom, he sighed. He was just ready to see his face again and know it was truly his.

It’s just…he didn’t know if that was going to happen.

            It was about 11 at night, so he stepped over to the window over the couch and lowered the blinds then walked to the bedroom. He slipped off his clothes, which he’d neglected to take off earlier, brushing some sand off his legs and socks and glancing over to Isa’s sleeping form outlined by the moonlight.

            Maybe he’d talk to him about this tomorrow.

◊          ◊          ◊

            Terra woke with a sigh. Isa was already out of bed, as usual. He dragged himself out of it, as well.

            Isa sat on the couch, cup of black coffee and what looked like a ham sandwich on the coffee table. His eyes shifted from the newspaper detailing events he cared nothing about to Terra. Behind him, the blinds were open and Terra could see the overcast sky. Typical late autumn weather.

            “You don’t look as though you slept well.” He stated. “Is something from yesterday weighing on your mind?”

            “Sort of.” Terra murmured, attempting to smooth out some minor snarls in his hair.

            Damn, Isa could read his mind.

            “Me as well. I don’t exactly feel _welcome_.” Isa bitterly chortled, arms folded. “I think only you, Ven, Aqua, and Lea like me.”

            Terra sighed and walked over to sit down.

            “I just…don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel like this is my body.” He said. “I still feel like my thoughts and actions are going through a filter, just a way weaker one.”

            “And you had to see Aqua and Ventus being practically unchanged.”

            “Yeah.”

            “That’s understandable.” Isa nodded, staring into his half-gone coffee. “Other than Ven, my friends—well, friend—saw me change progressively. Seeing how much you changed must be a shock to him and Aqua.”

            “I think Ven might remember a little bit from Roxas holding his heart for a while, but yeah.” Terra rubbed his face with a groan. “I also just…woke up and saw me like this. I was so used to seeing Xemnas and then it was just…this.”

            Terra placed a pillow on his lap and rested his elbows on it, weary body complaining already.

            “I feel so fucked up, like someone ripped me out of my body then threw me into the body of a 30-year-old. I guess, consciously, they kind of did. And I hate looking into the mirror or just looking down at my body and not seeing myself, just what’s left of what the last guy molded me into.”

            “Some dysphoria. I can relate somewhat.” Isa affirmed.

            “Uh, kind of.”

            “Dysphoria isn’t just a gender issue.”

            “Oh. How do I deal with this, though?” Terra asked, wringing his hands.

             “I think it should fade with time. The longer you look at yourself and associate your body with your name and self, the easier it should be.”

            “It seems like the answer to everything lately is to give it time. It makes sense, since everyone needs to readjust to normalcy, but…just…” Terra grunted.

            Isa reached over and rubbed his shoulder in comfort, breaking the beginning of Terra’s sulking, saying, “You have a good support system, you should be fine.”

            He seemed to just _know_ when Terra was about to sulk. Terra appreciated that.

            Terra bit his lip, conflicted. On one hand, it was great that his biggest issue would just be mostly solved with time, but also he wished he could stop losing sleep over it _now_.

            “What about you? With the whole rejection thing.” He asked, turning to Isa.

            Isa shook his head. He rose to his feet to put his empty mug in the sink, saying, “I’ll be fine, they’ll calm down. Besides, I never _was_ a people-person. I’m not vying for their undying love or such.”

            “Isa…”

            _That’s a pretty terrible excuse to let people drift away from you without a fight._

            “People have a right not to trust or forgive me. If they decide to come around later on, they will.” He stopped at the entrance to the kitchen, adding, “Oh yes, I’ll be out with Lea later. I’ll be leaving around five.”

            “Alright.” Terra nodded, getting up to get some coffee, too. “What’re you guys doing?”

            “Talking and likely having a few drinks. It’s been a while since we’ve done that.”

            “Sounds fun. I guess the house is going to be kind of empty without you being a constant presence, huh?”

            Isa returned to the couch and sighed, “Do I really not leave that often?”

            “No, you’re kind of a shut-in. Sorry.”

            “Old habits die hard, as always.” He mumbled as he stared back at himself from the window’s reflection.


	9. Replacement

           It was borderline-impossible to find Lea’s room in the tower; all the shifting and cosmic apparitions were annoying, to say in the least. How did anyone here go to bed within five or ten minutes of deciding to do so? He had a hunch the place was sentient and didn’t like him very much.

           Eventually, though, Isa knocked on a select wooden door and it and heard Lea yell, “Yeah, come in.”

           He slowly opened it and walked in, paper grocery bag in his arm. Well, at least the door didn’t want to stop him quite as much as the rest of the place’s architecture. Maybe it was imbued with Lea’s welcome attitude or something like that.

           Lea was sat on the floor and leaning back against his bed, scribbling something in a notepad. He perked up upon seeing Isa step into the room and sat up on the bed.

           “I’m surprised you didn’t bring vodka.” Lea chuckled as Isa firmly set a bottle of brandy down on the floor and opened the other one.

            “I was in the mood for something more pleasant. You can keep the other one if we don’t open it.” Isa flatly explained, sitting down on his bed next to him.

            “Works for me.” Lea smirked, taking the open bottle and not even bothering to get a glass. “Alcohol’s alcohol. Haven’t had time to sit down and drink in a long time, either.”

            “I certainly can’t argue with that sentiment.” Isa uttered as he sank against the wall and into the stuffy creamsicle-orange quilt on Lea’s bed.

            That was that. The bottle went back and forth between them, few words interrupting the silence while they watched the sunset drag itself across the parallel cream wall. That occasional brush of their palms and fingers against one another’s was never brought up or joked about.

            “It’s strange, this normalcy.” Isa murmured and folded one leg over the other, as he typically did.

            “Mm.”

            Lea rubbed his neck and turned his stare down to his lap.

            “I do miss having a steady routine, though.” Isa added.

            “Heh, I don’t! I like having free time and just doing what I want without being turned into a Dusk.”

            “That’s fair enough.”

            “Hey, can I bring up something a little, uh, stressful?” Lea asked, his previous joking tone gone and replaced with a slight quiver.

            “Sure.” Isa softly replied, studying the label on the bottle in his hands.

            “I know everything went to shit and we were pretty terrible to each other—situation and everything--but…”

            “We were, and?”

            Lea sighed, but looked to Isa hopefully, “…you think we have a chance?”

           Isa froze, but his face didn’t belie him. Don’t give him that damn look like that.

           “We’ve outgrown each other when it comes to that.” He simply said then took another drink.

           Lea was quiet. After scanning Isa’s face, he resumed facing forward and dryly chortled, “Right. ‘Course. It’s really been a while since we were…actually a thing…”

           “You could also say I’m emotionally occupied, as it is.” Isa added.

            Being handed the bottle, Lea frowned as he took it slowly. “Emotional—oh. Yeah.”

            Stretching with a grunt, Lea then laid down on his side with his head rested in his hand. The hard beam of light now made the space right under the window seem significantly darker.

“I can’t believe you still like Xemnas. As in like-like him.” Lea groaned, pressing his back against the wall with bottle in hand.

            “I can’t believe you just used ‘like-like’ as a 26-year-old.” Isa sneered.

            Lea nudged his side with his foot, frowning and retorting, “Hey! I’m around a lot of teenagers with repressed feelings and questionably-developed social skills. Some are like…literally two years old.”

           “Say what you will, but regardless. It was easier to like being around him than hating every second.” Isa sighed. “Also, I think I _did_ develop some genuine form of feelings for him not caused by survival instincts.”

            “Yeah, it has a name, right? Stock-something Syndrome?” Lea tilted his head like an intrigued dog, frowning slightly.

            “I wouldn’t say my reaction goes as far as Stockholm Syndrome. As I’ve said, genuine feelings and reasons and not a simple reaction for survival.”

            “ _Mm_. I guess the sleeping with him thing _was_ all started by you, so huh. Just a fucked-up situation, then. Can’t believe you got attached, though. All that tall, dark, and handsome?”

            Isa mumbled in response about some psychological effects are hard to discern from genuine feelings and interpretations, however, but he doubted they’d last this long and took the bottle from him for a bit more than a swig.

            “But hey, you can move on, right?” Lea commented reassuringly.

            “I guess, and I sort of wish to, but Lea,” Isa sighed, averting his stare, “he’s alive.”

            He got a blank stare, then a stunned “ _Shit._ ”

            “He’s sort of alive, anyhow. He’s currently resting in my heart.” Isa explained, locking eyes with him—seemingly to be sincere but it just came off as his usual cold intensity—and shrugged. “His is still severely damaged and cannot exist by himself.”

            Scrambling back up into a sitting position, Lea hissed, “Isa—Isa. Isa? Are you serious? After everything that happened, you let him _in_?”

            “Terra’s not happy with me for doing it, either. But despite everything we did and the lives we took and ruined, we got a second chance at life, so why not him? He’s a branch of Xehanort, but not he himself.”

            “He’s still Xemnas! Who knows if he’s gonna pull some shady shit on you!”

            “Should he attempt,” Isa argued, annoyed and voice louder, “I have the power to oust him and kill him as a result. I have a metaphorical knife to his throat and his being a threat will not be taken lightly or with hesitation. He’s not exactly strong enough to try at the moment, either.”

            “Well, you should do it now! Save everyone the stress.”

            “If he decides to return to his antics, I will. Having his own heart may affect him.”

            Lea sighed in frustration.

            “What the hell is it about him?” He asked in a low tone and with hunched shoulders.

            Silence.

“…I don’t know.”

            Isa tucked his legs under him and added, “I guess I don’t want to have to tear open old wounds to a new person. And he’s possibly a new person but at the same time someone I know. As he’s said, there’s comfort in familiarity, and that certainly is true even when that familiarity isn’t ideal.”

            “Maybe? But you don’t need to bear your soul when you don’t need to to just _everyone_. Nobody expects that from you except invasive assholes. If you’re worried about Terra being that way, he’s not gonna press you. He probably remembers most of the stuff Xemnas learned about you, anyway.”

            Lea’s eyes wandered from the floor to his quilt, and then to Isa’s face.

            “Besides, it’s not only just Xemnas, is it?”

            Despite Isa’s typical stony composure, Lea could see the slightest crack in it forming.

            “I feel terrible.” Isa muttered. “I know who was in there reciprocating, but I don’t…”

            He let out a tiny, tender sigh.

            “…Xemnas acts like Xemnas, and Terra acts like Terra now. Them being separate people truly complicated it.”

           Lea raised an incredulous eyebrow, muttering, “And you... _like_ how Xemnas acts or something?”

            “I guess I sort of do...and I guess I would in a more normal setting. I’m used to it. And, oddly, I suppose I associate his face with the experience even though they have the exact same one. Terra isn’t bad, of course, but I’m not used to him."

            Isa paused, then added, "His perkiness is something new.”

            “Different isn’t bad, you know.”

            “I know. I just have a comfort zone I love to stick to. Having a routine, as drab as it was, was nice.”

            “You sure do.”

            "And, well, even though we thought we didn't have feelings..." Isa groaned, "...we did. So much for no-strings-attached. God damn it."

            "I guess he was kind of a replacement for when I stopped hanging out with you and doing all the intimate nonsense, huh?" Lea guessed.

            _Replacement..._

            Isa groaned again. In his slightly-inebriated state, this was irritating him more than normal. He'd sort it out some other time.

            “Can we talk about something else?" He asked, glaring at the ceiling, "Plenty else has happened, and it could stand to be discussed. We’re always circling back to the situation with Xemnas, these days.”

            Lea frowned, retorting, “Isa, you basically gave a potential harbinger of doom a couch to crash on for a while. We’re all a _tad_ worried about that.”

            “As I’ve said, if he tries anything of that nature, I won’t hesitate to end him myself.”

            “Dude, you’re emotionally constipated right now, you’re probably gonna come up with some excuse when that happens.”

            “The most he’s doing is taking days-long depression naps at the moment.”

            “Still, we saw what happened with Sora and Ven. If his personality and memories start bleeding into yours, I’m kicking his ass.”

            Isa chuckled, imagining Xemnas and Lea squaring off in a fist-fight. While they probably would use their weapons, envisioning them just slapping each other around was oddly hilarious to his semi-inebriated mind.

            Then he paused.

            “Wait, would that mean you’d also kick mine?” He asked, more amused than offended.

            “It’s a necessary evil!” Lea argued, shrugging defensively. "Do you want me to just astral project and kick his ass?"

<><><> 

            A little more than tipsy, Isa took a dark corridor home. He was good at caring for himself even while mildly drunk, but his emotional walls tended to drop faster than Demyx with responsibilities. He felt good and everyone would have been able to tell.

           He stumbled into the small living room with a yawn and walked into the kitchen to get a considerably-sized glass of water and then went to the bedroom. Not in the mood to bother changing into his pajamas or putting up with sleeping in jeans, he stripped down to his underwear and socks and clambered into bed. He snuggled into the sheets, mentally remarking to himself about how soft and comfortable they were, then gravitated to Terra’s body heat.

           Most of his emotional inhibitions and concerns about being into two people at once and how they stemmed from the same person were both swept away by this point.

            “Are you aware your hair is amazing?” He mumbled into the back of Terra’s neck and, for some reason even he didn't know, massaged his shoulders.

            Groggily, Terra lifted his head and looked over his shoulder at him. “Yuh—wha? Thanks.”

            He laid his head back down as Isa snaked his arms around his waist and resumed nuzzling into his hair. He didn’t mind by any means. Terra was a rather touch-starved individual.

            Ooh, the tight tri-blend t-shirt he was wearing felt _luxurious_. Terra chuckled, confused--as anyone would be--at Isa’s catlike kneading and rubbing of his shirt.

            “Oh, cuddly.”

            “ _Mmyeah_.” Isa purred and attempted to wrap a leg around Terra too but gave up. “I’m in a good mood.”

            “I can tell. That’s good.”

            _Is this what you’re like when you get drunk and let loose?_

            Like a koala to a eucalyptus tree, Isa clung to him and passed out without another word.

            Watching the moonbeams slipping through the blinds scale the wall, Terra smiled. It'd been a while since they'd had any contact like that.

\---

            Isa could hold his alcohol, but damn if he wasn’t hurting pretty bad. At least the bed was warm, but if the sun would kindly come down so he could punch it and stop this headache coming on? He opened his bleary eyes and painfully glanced around.

            “Morning.” Terra yawned through the fresh muscle-shirt he was pulling on over his head, padding over to Isa’s side of the bed. “You’re not too hungover, are you?”

            “I’m fine.” Isa sighed as he rolled over and winced.

            Nodding, Terra fixed his shirt and continued. “Good, because I wanted to ask if you wanted to go check out a world with me to make sure no funny business is happening.”

            Isa paused, nodded, slipped out of bed, then meandered into the kitchen for breakfast. A simple answer was probably the most of a response he was going to get for now.

            And then it was off to Neverland.

            The gently swaying palm leaves stood out against the intense blue sky of Neverland. The heat washed over the two of them, prompting simultaneous groans. They were more acclimated to the frigid halls of the Castle That Never Was and the mild climate of Radiant Garden.

            “Huh, we might have to go for a swim later.” Terra chuckled, hands on his hips as he gazed up at the cliffs above and the waterfall cascading down it.

            He prayed those seagulls wouldn’t poop on them.

            Isa loosely folded his arms and walked ahead.

            “Let’s see to what we must first.” He suggested while he smeared sunscreen across his exposed arms and face.

            “Well, yeah, of course. No reason why we can’t enjoy our time here, though.”

            They entered the foliage while internally angsting about the horrific tactile experience that was sunscreen. They walked on in silence for a while, eyes snapping to anything that looked unusual. As it turned out, not a whole lot was happening, so they simply enjoyed the heat and smell of the sea. Not much was seen of the inhabitants aside from a ship drifting lazily along the horizon.

            “It’s good to just be away from everything else. No people, no Unversed or Heartless, no chatter.” Terra sighed from his seat on one of the raised rocks at the coast cliffs.

            Isa nodded and muttered a soft “absolutely.”

_I wish I could find such peace elsewhere. No change, all play, no worries…_

            He took in another breath of the sea air and gazed out at the glittering water, hands sliding into his pockets.

_…I wish I could have been a child for longer than I got the chance to, but far away from adults._

            “Are you ready to keep going?” Terra asked, glancing over his shoulder.

            “I’m ready when you are.”

            They leisurely walked along the coast and the jungle, occasionally climbing up the cliff faces and wading through the streams. By the end of it, they were wet up to their knees and had a few mosquito bites.

            Terra plopped down on a soft patch of grass in the shade of some massive palm trees, practically beaming at the comfortable resting spot and being able to rest his legs.

            “I’ve heard of the crocodile here. I wonder if he’s still around and if he’s finally lost interest in that pirate.” Isa uttered while he did a few stretches.

            “I have no idea, but if this world is as repetitive as other ones then probably not.”

            “That’s true. I think I’ll go for a swim, then; it’s been a good decade or so since I’ve done that.”

            “Really?” Terra asked thoughtfully, watching him slip his black v-neck off then unbuckle his belt with nimble fingers.

            “Indeed. As it were, there’s not much water in Radiant Garden to swim in or anything beyond a bathtub or a puddle in the World That Never Was.”

            “Yeah, those wouldn’t work.”

            “Could please you assist me with the sunscreen, by the way?” He asked, already rubbing some on his chest and stomach which prompted Terra to watch his hand go over those washboard abs.

            To be fair, that was to be expected when he had to build himself up to be strong enough to handle going berserk like he did.

            “Your back?” Terra asked in return while being handed the tube.

            “Yes.”

            Isa turned around and rubbed the remaining sunscreen on his hands onto his shoulders.

            “You are _so tense_.” Terra stated while he smeared some sunscreen on Isa’s upper back.

            “It’s to be expected.”

            “No, I mean, maybe you should see a chiropractor or something.”

            “It’s not as though my back hurts.”

            “ _Okay_ ….”

            Stressed just seemed to be the natural state of Isa.

            Thanking him, Isa pulled off his boots and wiggled out of his pants then folded his clothes in a neat stack.

            “Perhaps I should…” Isa mumbled to himself in contemplation, “…mm, no, there are flying children about.”

            “Is skinny-dipping in the ocean really a good idea, anyway?”

            Isa replied as he walked down to the sand then stepped into the water, “I just don’t want to walk around with soaked underwear.”

            “I don’t think anyone does.”

            Watching him wander further into the water (and admiring the muscles and shoulder blades sliding under his skin as he went), Terra leaned back on his elbows under the shade of a comically-large palm leaf.

            He didn’t know how long he was sleeping, but he groggily lifted his head to the sound of…ticking? Wait, where did he hear that before, here? Something about the ocean, and pirates…?

            Wide awake, he shot up and saw a dark submerged blob sidle up behind Isa.

            “Oh, dammit, Isa!”

            “I’m well aware,” Isa said, face emotionless in preparation and voice flat.

            Terra cautiously but quickly made his way down to the shore and swore he saw a glint of gold in Isa’s eyes as he coiled back.

            The crocodile shot up out of the water and was promptly slammed back down into it.

            “The fool.” Was all Isa hissed as his grip left its snout and it swam back into the blue.

            “Don’t go berserk on an innocent crocodile…”

            “Were he innocent, he would have stayed tailing his usual hook-handed prey. Perhaps his curiosity got the best of him.”

            Isa stepped in up to his waist then splayed out. As he floated, he looked Terra’s way.

            “You said you wanted to swim, so why don’t you join me?”

            “If you insist.” He shrugged, pulling off the replacement to his older tight shirt (which Isa was now wearing around the house as it fit him), his hakama khaki (khakima) pants, as well as his shoes. He smeared some sunscreen on as well as he could, took a few steps back, readied himself, then then dove into the water.

            His head splashed through the surface, shaking his bangs out of his eyes in the process.

            “If any more renegade crocodiles come along, I’ll protect you from them.” Isa chuckled lightly. “Though I’m sure my display scared them off.”

            Terra waded further in and studied the sand below, watching the light distort and bend and cause it to shimmer.

            “Yeah, I don’t think they’ll be interested in chomping on either of us after that. They'd have to deal with you being pissed at them.”

            "I would say my reaction would be more akin to annoyance."

            "Yeah, I guess. But if I have any crocodile problems, I'll just call you."

            He got an amused snort from Isa. He wasn't in the mood for much small-talk, it seemed.

            With a content sigh, Terra turned his eyes skyward and watched the fluffy clouds drift as lazily as he was.

             _We're going to be so tired when we get home..._ they both thought.


	10. A Familiar Coldness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra considers the main personal topics of the month, Isa is angry and kind of a mess(again), Lea is disappointed in Isa (again), and night lights are an important part to a home. This isn't a very action-packed chapter, mostly fleshing out a pathway to future events and to get some of Terra's perspective and concerns before more Isa-perspective chapters. Next one will be fairly heavy and it goes back to chapter 5-related content, be warned.
> 
> No trigger warnings for this one unless you don't like someone having a panic attack, otherwise it's fairly mild.

            The clouds began to cover the world in a blanket of snow, sky a dark gray and quiet as everyone went to their homes.

            There were a few persistent things on Terra’s mind as he power-walked back home, them being what Xemnas was up to, was Vanitas acclimating to not having to fight all the time, and if Isa was fine with being called Isa now or if he was just running with it because everyone called him that. It seemed like he’d ask at least him and Lea to call him something else if he wasn’t for being called that, though. He’d have to ask.

            Vanitas was still very much a work in progress, as much as any teenager who was originally existing only to become a weapon and was beaten in combat every day. The pain he felt with every Unversed’s demise only made it harder on him. He still mostly avoided everyone sans Ventus, who he was very clingy toward despite proclaiming how annoying he was. His days still comprised of trailing warily after Ven while holding on to some article of clothing which was usually a sleeve or his shirt collar, being angry, and having panic attacks before going to his room for hours. He was very sensitive to being seen crying. So yeah, he had a while and needed to work on a lot to even be remotely functional.

            If he was mature enough and comfortable, he could sit down with Isa and discuss their abusive upbringings and find solidarity, but Vanitas definitely wasn’t at the point of discussing that. It wasn’t like Isa was open to just telling _anyone_ about his childhood, either; he’d probably just shut off his feelings again and Saïx-mode would activate.

            Speaking of, Saïx mode hadn’t been seen in quite a while. Maybe he was coping with emotions better now, or just better at suppressing them to the point where it wasn't like there was an on-off switch on him.

            And then there was Xemnas. It also wasn’t hard to tell he did _not_ like Xemnas—he represented the darkest point of Terra’s existence. He was his own _body_ moving and doing without much of his input, and now he was basically a copy of him with a different personality that budded within his body prior! Xemnas was a walking effigy of trauma for him.

            Now, he could sympathize with Isa as to why he was apparently somewhat fond of him, though. What he did _not_ understand was how those feelings coexisted so easily with his plans to casually murder him. Saïx was an enigma, and he would use the useful and discard the impractical if the situation called for it—that was about the best reasoning he could come up with. Also, abandonment issues and patricide.

            As time went on, more memories from his time as Xemnas and Xemnas as a separate entity came back to him, and the more he began to comprehend their interactions as well as the thoughts and feelings of the people within his body at the time. He could see the branching off as their heart recovered and Xemnas gained his own sense of self. It seemed only natural for him to do so while his heart formed even if he was going to be strong-armed as a vessel if he didn’t want to comply. Whether he was reluctant or not was debatable, but he has his own motives outside of that whole issue.

            Some information was helpful socially, like he remembered that Isa couldn’t lay on his stomach and feel something on his back or else he’d panic and get violent and he had always hated people touching him before he could see them. In retrospect, that made a lot of sense why when he was affectionate he’d be looking at whoever the recipient was or initiated it himself. Prior to remembering this, Terra wasn’t sure if Isa disliked the latter purely because of his jumpiness after moving into the apartment—partially because of what he went through and because his mental breakdown put him in a pretty bad place. That was an easy assumption to make, to be fair.

            Other things he could recall were that Braig was _very_ picky with what brushes he could use to tame his hair (no wonder it always looked so silky and free of snarls), Lea would drink basically anything caffeinated but really liked macchiatos and energy drinks that should probably be banned and he was double-jointed, and Vexen could reach incredibly high octaves if you scared him badly enough. The man could be an opera singer or could join a choir.

            Regardless, it would be so strange to see Xemnas separate from him, to see someone who was basically an exact clone going about completely independently from him and Xehanort. This wasn’t to say Terra anticipated seeing him; he would greatly prefer he instead melt back into nothingness and everyone could just move on like before he made his not-so-grand return. It wasn’t like he could state this out loud, as it was fairly harsh, but he knew that sentiment could be read from him enough already. Maybe that’s why Isa felt so distant on a personal level; he didn’t feel like he could talk about any of it with him, now. Too much bias and Isa got a sense that discussing him was basically taboo. That kind of hurt.

            He knew Isa was in a strange place emotionally, he was showing signs of slipping into a depressive episode again, and he remembered now that Xemnas…well. He knew Isa couldn’t know that—not now. It wasn’t even his place to say it, it was Xemnas’, but he felt responsible in keeping it from him as long as he could if he didn’t already know. There was no benefit for anyone, it would just cause more problems.

            He had to wonder if that would bite him in the ass later.

            The fluffy snow bounced off him as he continued on and wished the climate was a bit more tropical or arid. At least a hot shower would feel wondrous. Then he’d make dinner after that—it was his turn—and take a nice nap.

            He unlocked the door and stepped in, slipping his shoes off by the mat. He heard Lea in the kitchen, voice low. Freezing where he stood, he listened in.

            “…I mean, I’m glad you’re doing better but I don’t think you should act like here is the perfect place to cap your recovery off.” Lea sighed.

            “How am I doing that?” Isa asked, irritated, “And do you even know what the full extent of what I need to recover from _is_?”

            “Just—why? You were doing so well and getting used to people and all that then you start cutting other people off again!”

            “Any improvement from being an antisocial hermit seems like a big one, Lea. It’s plateauing right now since I can function for the most part but I still have incredibly low energy and my depressive symptoms aren’t as manageable knowing I can feel. There’s a burnout in improvement once it’s survivable, and mine happens to be a long but not intense one.”

            Isa sighed and continued. “Just because there’s still feelings, too, it doesn’t mean I’m going ahead with it. There’s no guaranteed chance of that. It’s not like he’s the only one, either, and you know that. We simply grew up too much for our relationship to stay romantic and functional, so can you stop blaming this for the reason why I’m not dating you again?”

            “How am I using that as an excuse?” Lea sputtered. “I mean, duh, I’m a bit salty _he’s_ an option for you and not me, but that’s not…”

            “Why can’t we hold a conversation without _this happening_?” Isa hissed, half at Lea and half at himself. “Why do you come over like you’re not going to let your jealousy turn into an argument?”

            “It’s not jealousy! I’m just worried because, y’know, maybe developing feelings for your former superior who is also kind of nuts is a _bad_ thing.”

            “You have some gall to act innocent when you’re part of the reason that’s even an issue now.”

            Lea growled, "Seriously?"

            Isa stood up, hands slamming hard on the table. “It was _your_ idea to go into that castle, dumbass! And then after that horror show and we were proper traumatized, you just decide to fuck off and abandon me!”

            “Your interests weren’t for the better good, by that point, and they weren’t just about getting out! You were emotionally torturing these kids because you saw them as weapons and the fact I was friends with them when we thought we couldn't feel anything. And—and don’t act like I never went back for you! I care about you, but not enough to jeopardize other people I care about.” Lea snarled.

            “Well too bad you didn’t stay and we would have gotten the job _done_ before any of that would have happened!” Isa roared, a familiar vibration in his voice that signaled that maybe it was time to step in.

            Terra loudly closed the door and could hear them turn in their seats.

            “Just me.” He called.

            “Ah, hey, dude.” Lea grunted as he casually got out of his seat and walked into the living room, attempting to make his expression as relaxed as possible.

            Isa didn’t follow and could be heard sipping something out of a mug with the intensity of a thousand suns.

            “Sorry for not being able to catch up with ya, I have places to be.” Lea stated and slipped past Terra.

            “Are you sure…?” Terra quietly muttered as he watched him close the door behind him.

            He walked into the kitchen to see Isa sat at the table with a rather peeved expression and clenched fists.

            Folding his arms, he gave him a sympathetic smile. “I, uh, walk in on something? There was yelling.”

            “He’s got the wrong idea, and I wish he’d stop being caught up in the fact I’m not attracted to him anymore. Just because I don’t want to date him doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. That, and he shouldn't get to act like he never caused me pain just because he came back and because I did things wrong, too.”

            “It can take a while to process being rejected, especially if it’s someone you used to date and thought you had a chance with again. Plus, a lot has happened with you two--sort of, uh, hurting each other.”

            Isa rubbed his temples, shaking his head.

            “I can see why you’re kind of reluctant to have him over if that happens every time.” Terra added and went to get a glass of milk.

            “He clings to the past too much, and I think he’s jealous but won’t admit it flat-out.”

            “I’m sure that’s part of it. He’ll get over it and be bearable to talk to…probably. I think he expected you two to go back to being on really good terms when, well, too much changed and he got out of the pessimistic mindset from earlier and ended up with some hope.”

            Isa groaned and sank in his chair, taking another drink.

            “He acts like I was the one who abandoned him first.”

            “Give him time to cool down and probably a mediator.” Terra reassured, turning to him. “What are you hungry for?”

            “I have no real preference. I think I’m going to nap this off. I’m getting a migraine.” Isa uttered.

            Terra watched him aggressively shuffle to the couch and lay down. He turned back to the counter and looked over his options. They had a nice new rice cooker, so they could at least have rice to put something on. Maybe stir-fry? No, he wasn’t going to attempt that. He could just bake some potatoes; those kept well for a few hours after being made.

            Tying his hair back, he shuffled to the pantry and pulled a few big potatoes out.

            How and why did one of the major issues right now end up being relationship drama? He should be thankful for that, but still, _why_? hopefully that would resolve soon.

 

 

 

            “It’s getting pretty dark out.” Isa groggily stated, looking up from his place on the couch and out the big window above it. “I think that snow storm is coming in.”

            “At least the weather can decide what it wants to do. By the way, some baked potatoes are in the oven when you want them.” Terra said as he walked by with a laundry basket of his clothes to put away.

            “For a few days.”

            Terra resumed, walking into the bedroom and sliding open the drawers on his side of the dresser. He set the basket down and flipped the light switch up. The shadows in the corners dissipated and he sat on the floor to fold some pants.

            He pursed his lips, deep in thought (and annoyance) about the weather and how uncomfortable it would be to work out in that world if he was going to. It wouldn’t be as bad if the gardens didn’t get so _icy_.

            He stood, and the room went pitch black.

            The hairs on the back of his neck prickled, stomach twisted, and electricity shot up his spine. Blood rushed through his ears and the primal fear set in. If he could have seen the room, it would be spinning.

            Frozen but his heart beating out of his chest, Terra softly gasped. He felt absolutely trapped, suffocating in the inky dark. Oh no, not again. He expected to feel the pain of a heart ripping forcing its way into his chest, the blue moon glaring balefully down, and watching himself split into two people in succession, but every memory pounced on him at once.

            He squeezed his eyes shut so that face wouldn’t be staring at him, but he couldn't quash the images flashing under his eyelids or the feeling of what it was like to fade. Oh, god, _he couldn’t breathe._ One hand on his chest and the other on his throat, trying to force himself to breathe normally, damnit! His balance was off, head light, and he felt like his legs weighed tons.

            “Terra. Breathe.”

            A hand slowly pressed onto his shoulder.

            He blinked, shivering.

            “Terra,” Isa murmured as he knelt down, a small flame dancing on his hand, “the power went out.”

            “The—oh…”

            Using water for electricity was fairly cheap and generally stable, but they had to adapt with the wind, magic, sun, and coal after the fall. There were quite a few blackouts and brownouts already. That was the nice thing about The Castle That Never Was--it didn't have outages.

            Isa wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him up onto quaking legs and letting him lean on him. If there's one thing he learned about Terra, it's he reacted well to tactile stimulation when panicking or anxious. It was unusual compared to other people with similar issues to the two of them, but the fact he went a decade with dulled senses and a lack of stimulation made sense of why he found comfort in being touched and being able to feel it fully. Isa was the same way, but he just didn't like being alone in that state.

            “It’s warmest in here, so let’s sit on the bed while you calm down and I'll get the extra blankets.”

            Isa patted his shoulder and led him around.

            “I didn’t think the dark would do _that_ to me.” Terra grunted and sat. "I thought it was the moon."

            He gripped the covers under him and took a few slow but deep breaths. Maybe it was both?

            Isa sat down next to him. “We could always get one of those dusk-to-dawn nightlights that are hardly bright but are noticeable and have a battery for when the power goes out. We, or I, could go get one today while picking up some other things once you calm down more.”

            He dug into his nightstand for a flashlight, adding, “Maybe the power will be back on by the time we get back.”

            “Or maybe tomorrow. Look outside, it's snowing pretty hard and I'm sure a lot of places have no power. But I just…can’t believe I’m afraid of the _dark_.” Terra groaned, tired and sulky.

            “To be fair, it’s so dark out and the blinds are closed, it was very abrupt." Isa clicked the light to life. "There's usually some light pouring in from outside, even at night.”

            “It’s such a lame thing to be scared of, though, even if there are valid reasons!” Terra sighed, standing back up now that he could get his bearings and it didn't feel like his lungs were going to implode.

            Isa patted him on the shoulder again and stepped past to go to the living room. “Terra, I’m scared of walking down stairs with someone somewhat close behind me. Yours makes sense after everything you went through and because it's so much harder to avoid the dark.”

            “So does yours…” Terra quietly retorted as he slowly followed after him.

            _Just because it's been so long and you don't remember what..._


End file.
